For Such a Time as This

Back to Africa Necklace Giveaway!

2012-01-24T04:26:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone! If you know me, you know I love Heart of the Bride/Back to Africa and you know I love adoption. Well..... I'm super excited to introduce to you a beautiful new necklace that Back to Africa has come out with. Its the "Heart for Adoption Necklace" It is so named because the proceeds from this necklace go to fund the new Heart of the Bride Adoption Aid Ministry. The focus of this arm of Heart of the Bride is to provide assistance grants for adoptive families, whether adoption internationally or domestically. These hearts are being sourced from Kenya through a Back to Africa work group, so your purchase will also support our desire to provide long term employment to those in our work programs.

How awesome is that!?!?!?! You can purchase a beautiful piece of jewlery and your purchase gives back in HUGE ways!! Isn't it great when you purchase things and you know that it is directly helping others? So maybe you are looking for a gift for a friend, teacher, daughter, or a valentines' gift...this would be PERFECT!

I love this necklace so much that I'm going to do my first "give-away"/name-drawing" from my blog and its super easy to enter! Here is how it works.... To be entered into the drawing, you need to post the link from the necklace either on your blog or facebook page and tell me that you did so (either comment here on the blog or on the Facebook link that I posted.) Here is the link:

http://backtoafrica.myshopify.com/collections/favorites/products/new-heart-for-adoption-necklace

You can only be entered once. I will draw a name this Wednesday evening at 8 p.m. to see who won the necklace!

The heart pendant comes on a brown leather cord and is approximately 16-18 inches in length, available in blue or rose, and is hand made and kiln fired twice. The design imprint is courtesy of Inkadinkado, with our thanks!

For more information on Heart of the Bride's Adoption Aid Program visit www.heartofthebride.org/adopt

Thanks guys! Happy sharing! :)

"Our" projects.

2012-01-07T10:46:00.000-08:00

For a much "lighter" weekend post, I decided that I would update the blog with the past years' projects. If you remember, last year I asked for a saw, hammer, and some other weird shop tools that I still can't remember the name of. You can read about how that adventure started here . C and I had fun sitting in the freezing garage last winter building "beginner" projects together while the kids slept away. Little by the little though, a funny pattern developed...

Me:" Hmm, I would like to build yada yada..."
C: "Okay, lets find some plans."

Me- Search Internet- Ana-white.com (AMAZING!!) find what I want, print.... hand over to C.

A couple hours later, viola! It was all done, and I didn't break a nail (no pun intended).

I really did have good intentions to help, but with two toddlers.... you know how it goes. Luckily, my wonderful husband actually really LOVES to build things. He grew up in hick-ville...ahmm.. the country where fishing, four-wheeling, squirrel hunting (do NOT ask) and building projects were a regular thing. His dad can build a house from the ground up (literally) so C had lots of practice. All that to say... he now asks me what he can build when hes bored so it all works out nicely and I must say, he does a fabulous job!

After finding ana-white.com and realizing how inexpensive building your own furniture is, I will never, ever pay full price for furniture again!!

The first piece is one of my favorites. We didn't have a dining room table, I looked and looked, everything was so expensive for the table, chairs etc. I loved the look the Farm House Table
- but $1900 for just the table. No way Jose!

So we looked around and found the plans on ana-white.com and in about 5 hours (C and his Dad) created this masterpiece....

We decided to keep the wood natural and added a clear top coat for spills. I L.O.V.E it. Can't wait until one day we can fill all of those seats up! ;)

It can fit 8 comfortably, but for Thanksgiving we had 10.
Total price for table: $70.00
Bench: $25.00
Chairs: Free (thanks Dave!:)
$105.00 for a solid wood table, bench, and chairs is not bad, not bad at all.

Instead of the classic "China Cabinet" he made a "Ladder Shelf" - plans also from ana-white.com

Also on the list, move J out of a toddler bed to a twin size bed. Found the plans again at ana-white.com

Before stain

After Stain

Last but not least.... scrap wood? What about initial door hangers?

Oh and don't underestimate what sanding and a coat of paint can do. I woke up to find my husband going through some one's trash... for these...

Before:

After:

Who doesn't love "Free!" ? :)

So there you have it, "our" year in review DIY projects.

Thank you honey! ;)

The W word

2012-01-04T11:38:00.000-08:00

If I could choose a word that I can not stand to hear, a word that is like nails on a chalk board, a word that evokes so many conflicting feelings within me it would be the word "wait." I think I'm most likely one of the most impatient people there is around. If you looked up the word "impatient" in the dictionary there you would find my picture! :) I don't like to wait, I don't like being patient and when I'm forced to do it, I fail and I fail at it miserably. Ironically enough when I look back on my life, I find that word- wait, waiting, patience or any other form of it to be a continual "theme" of my life. I've gotten to practice a lot at it and I think that over the course of time I've gotten a little bit better but still need lots of work in that area!

As much as I can't stand to wait, I'm a firm believer in God's perfect timing- yes ironic, I know. I do believe that God is Sovereign and that after all is said and done we will look back and say..."ah, that's why it happened this way or that." Sometimes we don't always get to see the reasoning on this side of eternity, but I don't want to look past the moment that even though God's timing is perfect and we can trust in Him that doesn't always make the waiting easy, sometimes it very painful.

As I've been reflecting on this season of waiting in my life, although short as it is compared to others', I'm reminded of a couple of things in scripture that always make me sit back and ponder the WHYS of the waiting.

I think back to Hannah and Abraham- the things they longed for and how long God had them wait- Why? because the timing to begin the line of Christ was not ripe yet.

I think about the coming then of Christ Himself- In a study I'm doing right now (Jesus the One and Only) It opens up at the last book of the Old Testament and then to the Matthew. Do you know how much time was in between the Old and New Testament? about 400 years. 400 years of silence from God. Talk about waiting. And this kind of waiting was a silent waiting. The Israelites has turned their ears from God so He stopped speaking. But God did not abandon His people, His timing is indeed perfect and that season was used by Him and as Beth Moore points out in the study- "The time didn't go. It Came!... God used a famine to serve His purpose until the fullness of time. He used the witholdings of His words to prepare for the revealing of The Word- His Living Word Jesus in human flesh."

And as we wait again for His second coming I know that there is so much He is fulfilling and when the timing is just perfect, He will come again.

Just as these are truths in scripture, so are they truth for my life. God doesn't just have a plan- He has a purpose. There are things, people, events that He is all using together in harmony to carry out His will. My particular circumstances also effect others.

I know so many who are waiting right now, some of them have been waiting weeks, some of them years, waiting for many different things. I pray for the strength to lean on Christ and trust in His plan and in the painful moments when the wait seems unbearable that He will show them His grace, mercy, and truth in the wait.

Blessings.

Past couple of weeks...

2011-09-15T15:02:00.000-07:00

Whenever we got home from the hospital my heart was at peace, we knew that God was and still is in control and that He has the child out there for us, in His timing- His perfect timing. I expected to just go home and continue life normally and go on our merry way and wait for the next referral, thats what I expected never did I expect Him to be working in my heart the way that He has been working. I was completely content waiting before, but after the situation it has made me feel more anxious- its a hard reality to face that while we just sit here waiting, ready, open, willing...there are hundreds, no thousands, actually 163 + million orphans out there waiting on a family. I am reminding myself though that its not just about the need but about the child that God has for us. He is the one who puts families together. He has opened the door for us to adopt domestically and not internationally right now so we just have to continue to wait on Him, but knowing in my heart that I'm sure *one day* we will be on a plane picking up a precious one. Until those doors open- we continue to walk through the ones that are open fully trusting in Him. But thats not just where my heart has stopped-

I have been doing a lot of reading and its funny that all of the books that are recommended or given to me all from completely different friends they are all weaving the same pattern- I'm reading Radical by David Platt, The Praying Life, and The Law of Rewards by Randy Alcorn. All completely different books but I know that the Lord is speaking through not only His Word, but also through other authors specifically to my heart about HIS heart. The message to me- My life is not my own- nothing. My time, resources, dreams, goals, aspiriations- my life is for the glory of God, its not about me but about making Him known and sharing the Gospel and being the hands and feet of Jesus. I've heard it a million times before but its personal now. Back in January I read a book called "Red Letters"...it was amazing- eye opening. I saw how so much of what Jesus was about was sharing the Gospel, glorifying His Father, but also about the basic needs of people and reaching out to them- loving them, providing for them. I started praying that God would stir my heart. That He would give me a passion for the part of His heart that He cared for. Boy have I ever had that burden come so full force on my life, especially in the last two weeks. I'm lying awake in bed a night and thinking about orphans, families, how to help them, what to do... I've seen the faces before on t.v., websites, books etc. but it was never that personal... now it is. Those kids have names to me and meaning. Many of those kids are my friends' babies- waiting to come home. Many of those kids are roomates to my friends' babies who are lying in an orphange waiting for a family, or waiting in a foster family or girl's home waiting to be "chosen." Many of those kids are kids that need sponsors to help provide for their basic needs and pray for them and encourage them.

Chris and I are very passionate about what we can do to help them and what our role is to be in being Christ' hands and feet- is it going to require being Radical? Yes. Is it going to require us to give up some of our own comforts or ideals in life? Yes. Is it going to require going against the grain or culture- even Christian culture that says comfort it comfortable? Yes, Yes, Yes.

I'm not sure what it is all going to look like in the end- but He is already working. There are some specific things that He is doing- doors that He is opening and I'm sitting here in awe of the things that are going on and thinking...its really true, once you lose your life, you will find it. He is putting burdens on my heart so great- burden and aches for things that I know in my own flesh are not from me- only from Him, but He doesn't just stop there with the burden, but provides a way- an outlet to be used....all for His glory. I'm more excited then ever. So as we continue to wait to bring out next one home we continue to seek Him, to be His hands and feet, and more then ever- focus our attention in glorifying Him with our lives and be open to changing our lives to mirror His and follow His leading.

More to come...

Thanks for reading. :)

End of the Rollercoaster

2011-08-28T04:48:00.000-07:00

"No effort on behalf of a child is ever wasted."-

Last night went really well during our visit. We were able to sit and talk a lot and it was a really sweet experience to have with birthmom and baby. I have been so blessed to be able to spend so much time with both of them and am thankful for it.

This morning came and we went to the hospital to meet the foster mom. We weren't going to be taking the baby home for at least 30 days because of some legal issues (which we knew about beforehand) so we were going go to the hospital and meet the Cradel Care mom.

We met our case-worker and she came back to deliver the news that the birthmom had decided to parent. We were a little bit shocked because up to that point there had not been any indication of doubt or wavering, but none of us can truely know whats going on inside someone's heart. This is afterall- a HUGE decision and very heart-wrenching for her to have to make.

We have SOOOOOO much peace that this was the right thing and I mean from the bottom of my heart that I rejoice with her in her decision. I've said from the beginning of this process that if a birthparent felt like they couldn't parent, I would be here with open arms and love that baby as our own. BUt if a parent decided even at the very.last.second... that they did want to parent, I would rejoice with them,they have a new life- a child- a blessing.I would go through it all over again if thats what he Lord called me to do. God has ordained who is to be in our family and we will wait on Him until that child comes.

I am so thankful for all of the time I spent at the hospital with the birthmom and baby. I got to know a beautiful woman and a sweet baby and the whole extended family. The Lord allowed me to minister to them and this experience has ministered to me.God taught me so much about His heart and love for others through this and I am changed because of it.

So for now, we get off the rollercoater and wait for the next ride. :) The Lord is so faithful and has been so close to us through this whole process- may He be glorified through it all.

Thanks for all of your support! :) Our prayers were answered- this baby is going where she is supposed to go and His will is being accomplished. Your kind words, phone calls, texts, comments have been so an encouragement. THANK YOU! :)

Blessings!

Day #2- What to expect....

2011-08-26T04:47:00.000-07:00

I told another sweet adoption mama friend of mine yesterday..."They need to write a book called 'What to Expect when You are Adopting' and just leave it blank.

This adoption process has been full of "I didn't expect that" scenarios. All of them good, all of them teaching me to lean on the Lord, trust Him,and to "just roll with it." We had planned whenever we left the hospital yesterday that we were going to have a visit the next day. I called that morning had it all figured out when I could go, arranged babysitters (thank you Emily...and thanks to Lori for keeping my kiddos for multiple hours Wednesday). Chris couldn't get off work again that early so it would just be me. There were other biological family members that would be visiting that day so we were trying to time it so they would have enough time and then I would come. Well...it didn't quite happen that way. About ten minutes from the hospital my case-worker called, "Kelly, everyone wants to meet you, do you want to meet them?" Uh..."Yes, I would love to." Was my respone. I hang up the phone..."Oh Lord, this is crazy!" So I call up Kristin tell her...do you have any advice on what to say when you meet the WHOLE family!?!? :) We just both start laughing... I had thought that our visit would be similar to the day before, my in a private room with the baby. But this was much different. I was there for about three hours. The first hour was with the WHOLE family, siblings, aunts, grandparents, then the second two hours were me, the birthmom, and our case-worker. I know some of you might be reading this and thinking either..."why would you do that?" or "I would never do that!" And let me mention, that if you are considering adoption and meeting with biological family members is out of the question that that is your decision. And its okay to feel that way. We agreed to do this before hand and every time something new is introduced our AMAZING agnecy and social worker always asks and if we have a peace about it we say yes.

I've done this adoption process the other way- COMPLETELY private and closed, no pictures, no face, no meeting...Nothing. And honestly, I didn't like it because its like some mystery, a very important part of J's life that I feel like I will never be able to tell him about- a piece of his history that he won't ever know unless he reunites with his birthmother later.

IF this does go through, I will have so much to tell sweet baby girl... what her mom looked like, what she liked to eat, what she didn't like to eat, what her siblings were like (we have pictures! :), how she looks like them, how her grandma and auntie were.... the love for her that everyone had. I'm not going to lie, where there some REALLY akward moments...YES! ;) But it was all good.

The next two hours it was me with the birthmom, baby, and social worker. She held the baby for a while and I was able to just sit and watch. She was a natural with her, the baby very calm. She is a great mom. I try to be very considerate of her. There is this fine line...I want her to have all the time with the baby that she needs/wants, but I also want her to see me with the baby, to give her a peace, to see that I'm excited too. The baby just slept in my arms the whole time. We all just sat there and talked, we talked about anything and everything.... t.v. shows, the weather, how her pregnancy was, what she craved, her other children, her dreams and goals...it was a very sweet time. Little did I know that this meeting would be more of a bonding moment with the birthmom. Shes still shy around me. But towards the end the case-worker had to get a call. The birthmom then again told me how much she loved our book, how she didn't even look at any other book because she wanted us. I thanked her (I wish I could of said SO MUCH more, but my mouth was just stuck) she said that she wanted to do this for a better life for the baby, I got teary-eyed. (Don't cry Kelly, Don't cry Kelly) was all I could think.

I look back on yesterday and think "Thank you Lord" that was a very precious moment for me for two reasons. #1- If she decides to have us parent I have so much to tell sweet baby girl. I know a lot about her mom now...so when she asks me, "mommy, why did my birthmother give me to you?" I can tell her and KNOW. Is she ever cries or is upset because of the reality of what happens in adoption, I can try and comfort her and tell her stories about how much she is loved and the little details that might not seem to matter to anyone, but will be so important for her. The other reason, if she does decide to parent, I will continue to be at peace- I know how much the mama loves her and the support she would have from family. I saw her with the baby and know that if she does take her home they will be absolutely fine.

God gave me a very sweet gift yesterday and I'm so thankful for it.

Meeting for the first time...

2011-08-25T05:07:00.000-07:00

So yesterday is very much still a fog. The last couple of weeks have been a fog but yesterday defines a new moment of...drop everything you are doing, hold on because the rollercoaster is about to jolt you.

It was any other normal day, I did wake up rather early and couldn't sleep so I got up. I couldn't find my normal books that I read in the morning but I did find an old adoption book that I love called "Thriving as an Adopted Family." I went through it again, going over the bonding and attachment chapters. If you have read anything on my blog you will remember how much I have learned over the course of three years on infant adoption attachment and bonding and how crucial it is. Its nothing really out of the ordinary, just basically "attachment parenting" anyways, (sorry, rabbit trail) I was reading through the book, the kids woke up, and we started our normal routine.

Okay, so here is a "Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom"...but I'm really, really bad about getting dressed in the morning. Usually I just stay in my p.j.s/work out/lounge wear/throw on a baseball cap if you go out clothes and the kids love staying in their p.j.s as well so that is our attire for most of the day!! :) We had just finished lunch and the phone rang, picked it up...its Josies' voice. My heart drops, this is it.... The doctors were thinking that the baby wouldn't be here until Monday (which was still 3 weeks early) so this was even more of a shock. My brain went into tunnel vision as I heard the words..."the baby was just born, she's perfect...weight, height, ......She. Its a girl. We didn't know what the baby was. I had settled on a middle name that I felt the Lord very clearly laid on my heart back in January- before our paperwork was in. I knew that if we adopted again and it was a girl that this name was supposed to be somewhere in her name. I held back the tears because I wanted to cry but I didn't want to social worker (or my kids) to think I was crazy. :)

The mom wants to meet you and your husband. (my mouth drops)..."Uh, okay. When?"... "Today, now is fine, you can come up whenever.".... I knew that we would be meeting, I just didn't know when in the process and I had no idea that the baby was going to be born and everything was TODAY so I really wasn't expecting it. I was in my p.j.s (i think its time to break that habit! ;), so were the kids, C was at work, wasn't sure who was going to watch my kiddos. So I just start pacing back and forth trying to figure it out. Ran to call my sisters (LOVE having so much family so close).. no one answers. Call my mom, start crying, she prays for me over the phone. Then I realize...oh, yes, I should probably call my husband! :) Well, to make a long story short, it took me 30 min. to get a hold of him because he was in meetings. I had to use the "its kind of an emergency" card with the secretary who quickly got him. Within 5 minutes he was home, I still wasn't dressed, just pacing...freaking out, I hadn't prepared mentally at all for what I was going to say to the birthmom. Luckily God places people in your life who have done that part before and so I quickly called my friend Kristin, cried with her, asked for her advice, what do I say? How do we do this? I didn't think I would see the baby before any rights were terminated. This. is. so. hard.

We made a pit stop to Walmart- we couldn't find our camera (it was a gift to us from our wedding-which was 5 years ago so within the last 5 years lets just say its now a dinosaur.) This was a great time to go shopping for a new camera (insert sarcastic voice). Chris ran in the store... I told him, "hunny, I know you like to buy electronics, but please, you are going to have to make this decion in like under 5 minutes." He smiled and said, "believe me, I will. " He came back with a hot-pink camera (only one left) and we were ready to roll. Wait...forgot to drop off the kids, oh and we need gasoline. Ahhhh... I just want to get there! We had to drive at least an hour to get to the hospital so I was really antsy! Finally drop off the kids, answer texts in the car (no, I wasn't driving :) cry some more..." try to pull it together Kelly." I kept telling myself.

It felt like the shortest drive ever somehow. Even our caseworker laughed...wow, you made it here in record time. The walk down the hall felt the longest. I think I was deer in the headlights look, what was I going to say? What would she look like? What would she want me to say? This is really uuncomfortable. I want to hug her, but that would probably be weird...what do I say? I just want to make her feel okay. Will she like me, is what I'm wearning okay??

Turned the corner and there she was. A face finally to put with an image I had in my mind for all this time. An image that has a blank face when I think about J's mom. She was soo pretty. I knew she felt nervous too, I could tell. She had a quiet spirit, not sure what was going on in her head, she had after-all just had a baby and now was trying to make a very important decision... my heart is so soft for her. Thankfully our case-worker led most of the converstation so that was good. She had our book by the side of her bed. She said, "you have a beautiful family, all of your smiles are so pretty." We thanked her, she asked about how the kids were, we talked about the baby she just had. Her weight, what she looked like, the fact that she was screaming her little head off when she came out. I told her she could have our book to take home with her if she wanted. She was glad about that. Then we went in to see the baby.

It was a little chaotic in the nursery. People everywhere, they pulled the babie's bed out, then like 4 people came up to us, the doctor, nurser, pediatrican, hospital case-worker all saying she was perfect, and to ask them if we needed anything or had any questions. I was trying to answer them but couldn't get my eyes off of this little. tiny. precious. beautiful. baby girl. Oh, my heart melted. She was SOOOO small! I wanted to cry but didn't.

We washed up and then they led us to a private room. We were able to feed her and hold her. She was ready to eat and her eyes were wide open and so alert. I have never seen a baby that new study our faces like she did. It was almost eeire. Like she new what was going on. She couldn't take her eyes off Chris and looked at every part of his face. She would stop, turn to me, look at me and then turn back and look at him somemore. Our eyes connected, I know that sounds corney but it was unreal.

We were able to stay with her for a while but knew that we needed to go back. We went and said goodbye to the mom and left. Then the long drive home and thinking, oh wow, what a journey this is.

So what am I feeling? I'm at peace, I really am. I have NO idea what she wil do, she might change her mind at the very last second or she might already have in her heart a strong resolve of what to do. We have to wait 72 hours for her to sign her rights. It will be a long 3 days. We can still go see the baby and her- which we will do as long as she allows. I just continue to pray the Lords' will be done. This is about that baby and mom and what is best for them. If its best for her to parent, I will rejoice with her. If she feels like she can't- I will be here with open arms to take that baby home and love her with all of my heart, just like she is my own. Is this hard. YES! Its hard to know where to put your heart... I just met my "potential" child but shes not mine yet, so I have to guard myself but at the same time, not withhold bonding. Its a tough balance and I just pray that the Holy Spirit gives me the strength whatever happens. I was really fine last night but it hits me at little points in the day and this morning her face was the first thing on my mind.

I know I keep saying..."please pray" but we all really need it. Pray for the birthmom and her heart- to know what to do and have a peace about it. Pray for us as we balance our hearts. Pray for the birthfather situation- not going to go into that yet but there is still some weeds to work out. God knows the situation and what needs to happen. Anytime I try to figure everything out in my mind I keep feeling Him say..."I've got this."
:) He does and thats where I'm leaving it, in His hands.

Thanks for reading

The Raw Side of Adoption

2011-08-22T21:09:00.000-07:00

Its 10:30 p.m. and I'm awake. If you know me, I am not a night owl but more of an "old lady" and enjoy ten hours of sleep, with little kiddos that are early risers this means bedtime by 9:00 p.m. But tonight I can't sleep...I'm thinking, processing, praying, wondering.With everything going on right now in our lives and the adoption on top of it I feel like its been a whirwind. I've found that when things are uncertain I like to not think about it because in my brain I can't fit all the pieces together right now and how everything is going to turn out so I just don't think about it. I've found this to be a defense mechanism to not get "too attached" to the situation since nothing is certain until the end. I'm been praying though that the Lord would not have me to do that though, but that I would turn to Him and in my uncertainty that I would lean on Him and see this particular event in life to be a chance to know Him more and find the sweet simplicity of resting under the shadow of His wings.

With this adoption I've never felt such raw feelings for the birthmother. That might sound strange and honestly, its really hard to explain. I didn't feel it at all during J's adoption and like I've shared before I think it was because I just so desperately wanted a family that I never thought about her and everything that she was going through. Now...after being a mom to two wonderful kids, the decision that is upon her weighs heavily on my mind and my heart is aching....for her. I can't imagine being in the situation that she is in. I don't know all the events that led her to this decision so far and what she will ultimately choose to do. My heart aches for her as I know she is lying in a hospital bed waiting for the day to come. What is she thinking? Is she scared? Who will comfort her?

Whatever she chooses, I want her to have so much peace. I want her to know that whatever life-plan she chooses for her child, whether that be for us to parent, or for her that she will be at peace about it....totally and completely. I went back and read our "Dear Birthmother" letter from our book...

Dear Birthmom,

Thank you for taking the time to look at our family and consider us. We have tried to sit down and write this letter many times but sometimes feel inadquate in expressing the admiriation and respect that we have for you. You are a brave, courageous, selfless, and loving woman. You chose life and we can only imagine everything that you went through to get to this point. We know how much you love and care for your child growing inside of you and we are praying for you to have the wisdom in choosing the life path for this baby. If you do choose us to be the parents of this baby there are a few things we want you to know.

In our home, this baby will be loved, no matter what.

In our home, this baby will be provided for emmotionally, pysically, mentally, and spiritually.

In our home, this baby will learn about Jesus.

In our home, this baby will have love, support, friendship, and belonging from not just us as his or her parents but from his or her siblings, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, and a multitude of friends.

In our home your baby will hear much laughter, see many smiles, and feel many hugs.

In our home your child will have the opportunity and be everything that the Lord has created them to be.

Last, but not least, in our home your baby will know about you and the love that you have for him or her. He or she will know that you are an amazing person who loves them so much and wanted what was best for them. You will always be dear to our hearts and we thank you for the opportunity to be mommy and daddy to this baby.

'For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future...' Jerm. 29:11

All I know to do is to continue to pray for her, the baby and the birthfather. The road to Adoption begins with suffering and loss....and thats the raw side of adoption. I never want to forget her in this, I always want my children to see the respect that I have for these women. I always want J to see his birthmom in a positve light. After all, she carried him and sustained his life for the first 9 months and then gave him to me for the rest of his life, and we are forever grateful.

THE CALL!!!

2011-08-11T14:13:00.000-07:00

So you have probably already guessed what this is all about....we got a call from our social worker today!! :) It really wasn't a surprise to me at all. I was really, really feeling like something was going to happen soon. Not sure what but I could feel the Lord preparing my heart for, but it was something. I had been doing some more research on adoptive breastfeeding, had actually put a call into my OBGYN to start talking about options. I had a strange feeling so much in fact that I had called the social worker yesterday just to see if something was up. I just got her machine and never left a message so when I saw the name of the agency pop up on the screen I thought..."This is it."

This is it, the first huge leap on the roller coaster. Not sure when its going to stop, what we will encounter in the middle, and what will happen on the end, but we are on the roller coaster. Its filled with lots and lots of questions, excitement, and to be perfectly honest, there is always worry mixed in there. No matter how you bring a baby into your family, whether its by birth or adoption, its a roller coaster! :)

We got an overload of information today about the situation. Most of it I can't share and don't want to because it will be personal for the child and part of "their story" for them to tell when they want. But basically, we were chosen by a birthmother, I loved to hear from our social worker that "she loved you guys, as soon as she (birthmother) was done reading through your book she (birthmother) said, 'Thats them, I want them.'" It brought tears to my eyes. We didn't experience being "picked" by the birthparents with J's adoption, the agency did that and honestly, I always longed for her to at least have a face to put with us. I know that might sound weird but I really have a soft spot in my heart for the birthmother. I have a great deal of respect for them.

So, get to the logistics... :) She is due anytime. (when I heard that my heart about stopped! ;) Shes not quite to full term yet so we are praying for her that her health will be okay right now and that she can be as full term as possible. We don't know what the baby is yet.(Surprises all around!) Thankfully I have boy and girl stuff already!!

Now in Florida adoption laws, a birthmother cannot sign her rights until 48 hours after the baby is born (or when her dr. releases her from the hospital). So none of this is a done deal. That's where adoption is really tough because you just wait, pray, wait, pray, and in the meantime you have to keep in the back of your mind that the birthmother might decide to parent.

This is where I feel sooooo different and at peace then last time. The first time we adopted I was in knots about whether or not she would change her mind. It was all about me and my deep, deep desire to have a family. This time I'm so much more at peace. I know partly because I've done this before and have children! :) But partly because my heart has changed too. Its really about what is best for the baby and the mother. It might be best for the baby to be with his or her biological parents and if she decides at the last minute thats what she wants to do then I rejoice with her. But if she decides that she can't do this on her own and wants to choose the road of adoption for her child then I want to be there giving her a peace that we will be the best parents for that baby. I want to be an option so mothers don't have to choose abortion or parenting when it will end up badly. In the end, God is the one who weaves our families together.

So its still in the really early stages of everything and honestly, I could post tomorrow and it be completely changed, thats adoption for you! But we really appreciate your prayers for everyone involved. For the birthparents, social workers, our family, and the baby. God is good and we will trust in Him and wait to see how this unfolds.

Thanks for reading!
Blessings

Count Your Blessings Name them One by One...

2011-07-31T12:06:00.000-07:00

I've been slacking on the blog posts lately, mmainly because there isn't much news on the adoption front.
If you've read any of my previous posts, you know that a lot of what I share is what is on my heart pertaining to our adoption journeys and the other things that God is teaching me. Over the summer I participated in a book study on the book "Choosing Gratitude" by Nancy LeDemoss. It was a good book, pointing out the importance of true gratitude to Christ in our lives. No matter what circumstances we find ourselves in, the fact that we have been rescued from an eternity separated from God and have been given this gift of salvation by grace is enough to be grateful for. Everything after that is just "bonus"! So I've been more attuned to being grateful for things.

I know it sounds so cliche to say "we have so much to be grateful for" and start listing material things...but it is really those things that I've been thinking about lately. I've been on enough mission trips here in the U.S. as well as one overseas to know that there is lack of basic fundamental things EVERYWHERE. It used to be that I would think...oh, I should be so grateful for what I have because so many others don't have it. But usually that's where the thought would stop. Be grateful, move on. Now though... I'm sick of just having that thought and ending it right there. Its not just about being grateful but about sharing out of my abundance. It might not be much but there is still so much.

In the summer here, its H.O.T. Usually I have to get the kids out of the house by 10:00 a.m. and in the water if we want to have any outside time and not melt by 11:00 a.m. It was just last week that we were outside playing in the backyard. We had the water on and the kids were in their "kiddie" pool...the sight of both of them in this pool was quite hysterical because the pool was so small and with both of them, along with 50 toys the water was spilling out of the sides. At first we thought, "Wow, we need another pool!" Then our next thought was "No....our kids are PLAYING in clean water, thats more then most kids have, we can live with our small kiddie pool." Is this to say that we shouldn't/can't have large pools, no, not at all. But when I do think about those suffering and not having clean water to play in, no less clean water to drink, I want my "wants" to be different.

Then last night I was hit with another moment. Like many families...we have little rituals that we do. Before bed time we pray and sing 3 songs to them. Its usually separate so before the night is done I've sang "Jesus Loves Me," Barney Theme Song (I love you) and then this "Lord we Thank You" prayer that the kids made up. It totals about 8 times. ;) I was singing "Jesus Loves Me" to Aleiya as her eyes began to get really droopy and slowly close. I thought...how many kids are out there tonight with no one to sing "Jesus Loves Me" to them. That thought did me in for the rest of the night as I sat there thinking of all the experiences that we get to have with our children and how thankful I am for them, and the blessings that God has bestowed upon us. But again my heart wants to go further, to not just be thankful for these things but to help, to do and be where the Lord wants me to be and where our family should be. To give out of our abundance. As my good Kristin says "To live simply so other may simply live."

I'm not sure all what God will put in front of us but I know that I'm more aware now of what I need to do. My heart is for the orphan and the needy and for them to know Jesus. I want to be His hands and feet. I want my gratitude of what He has done for me physically and spiritually fuel me to do for others.

One of the happiest days of my life!

2011-06-24T20:59:00.000-07:00

So I cannot believe it but my baby boy is about to turn 3 years old!!! This is a throw-back to 3 years ago whenever I experienced one of the ~~scariest, most emotional, craziest~~ happiest days of my life! I wanted to take a moment to remember that very, very special day. You've heard me say that adoption is a roller coaster ride..well, it certainly is. But ours really was and while our adoption of J isn't really a "typical" situation, sometimes crazy things happen. Please hear me though... IT IS WORTH IT! To get the whole story you can read it here. But here is a different version...

It was Sunday, I had my phone practically glued onto me all day because I knew that our birth mom was due any day. Strangest feeling to know that your potential child could be born and you would have no idea, or hear of it after the fact. Its interesting though... looking back on it, I know that the Lord had already prepared my heart for my sons' birth. Even though I wasn't carrying him in my body my heart was about to explode and it was almost like I could "feel" emotionally that he was about to be born. I will never forget where I was when I got that call... standing in the center isle of church. I looked down on my cell phone and saw the number to the adoption agency. Church had just gotten over and we were getting ready to leave for my birthday lunch at my parent's house. I quickly found my husband, shared the news and then found our pastor and we shared the news with him as well. J's birth mom was on her way to the hospital... I felt so excited, yet so helpless. I wanted to be there, but wouldn't be. 5,000 questions filled my mind...would he be okay? How long would her labor be? Who would be there with her holding her hand? What would she do? Would she decide to parent? Would she continue with her decision for us to be his parents? What did he look like?...

When. can. I. hold. him.

I knew the next 48 + hours would be some of the longest ones I experienced...I just didn't know how long. Its one of the moments where you really wish you could just close your eyes and wake up when it was time, when everything was ready... But no, God had way to much for us to experience during those 72 + hours, we would be wide awake.

Next call...I remember vividly, I was standing in my old bedroom at my parent's house... "Baby boy, his weight, time he was born, length, apgar scores....he is perfect, he is healthy." Now, we wait.

How strange, I was miles and miles away from him. Oh how I longed to be there, to hold him, to begin bonding...I was still holding on to my heart though....after one failed placement I knew that nothing was final until it was final.We had to wait 48 hours until she could sign consent and then we could pick him up. I ached as I could only imagine what his birth mom was going through. To be a fly on that wall... what was she experiencing, was she in pain? agony? Who was with her to help her through? What was she feeling? Was someone holding him? Her...the nurses?

Next day. I honestly do not remember a thing. I must have subconsciously erased it from my memory... but I imagine that it had something to do with getting things ready to go pick him up from the hospital. :)

48 hours... I was still holding my breath, doing everything that I could to not break down...this was really happening? We were going to pick him up. I really couldn't believe it. We had to drive a while to get him from the hospital. C and I sat in silence most of the way...the papers were being signed as we drove. Each mile seemed like an eternity. Again, my mind was just brought back to her...what was she experiencing? I so badly just wanted to hug her to tell her thank you, to assure her that we would love him just like he was our own. To thank her for everything that she was giving to him and to let her know that we know how much she loves him and he would always know the same. The next part I remember very vividly...like the beginning of a car crash...all slow motion... another call, this time not good news.

Without boring you with lots of details all I can say was it was pretty much like a car crash, much had happened in those 48 hours things that we didn't expect, to make a really, really, really long story short, there were some complications and we were told to go back home, that it wasn't going to happen, that we were not going to be able to take him home.

Numb.

The car ride home was quiet. We really couldn't believe what was happening. We had experienced a lot of pain in the past 6 months. Many ups and downs but nothing like this. I wasn't sure what happened...I really felt in my heart that this was our son. Why was God allowing this to happen to us? We had already been through so much, I didn't know how much more I could handle. Yet through it all...God's Holy Spirit was so close. I knew that somehow...even this was part of His plan. The same Pastor that I mentioned above told me some very wise words which I often reflect upon..."You can't see the forest when you are in the middle of the woods." Then the agonizing part came, calling everyone and telling them that we would not be coming home with our baby. We were heartbroken.

We finally got home late that afternoon and were mentally, physically, an emotionally exhausted. We climbed into bed hoping to drift off to sleep waking up to a new day. Then, the phone rang.

It was our adoption agency again...we really didn't want to talk to anyone at this point. We were sure it was just them calling to say how sorry they were how everything had turned out. But what they were about to say completely shocked us... in a complete "God thing" events turned around and we would be able to go back and pick up our son... the next morning. We were happy, confused, concerned, thrilled, scared, joyful, thankful, hopeful. At this point I knew that this was nearing the end of the roller coaster, I just had to hold on for the last part. Trusting that God was still in complete control we loaded up in the car, AGAIN to bring our sweet baby boy home. Right as we were walking out the door a flower delivery came...a sweet note was attached to a beautiful arrangement from our Church family saying they were praying for us in our loss. Let me just say....that if you know of an adoptive family who is going through the process and they lose a placement, follow the example of this sweet Church... I've never experienced a miscarriage but can imagine that this was pretty close. We are thankful for the way that they didn't "forget" about us or look past our situation since it didn't fall under the normal circumstances. My husband and I laughed as we read the note and quickly called the Pastor back to tell them our crazy. amazing. beautiful news!!! (I'm sure they were thinking we were the craziest people to go through with this!! ;)

This time in the car, my heart was at peace. We talked, laughed, cried, and imagined what our son must look like.

FINALLY...we were there. I will never, ever forget the first time I laid eyes on him. That memory is forever engraved in my brain. We walked up to the house, the interim care mother was holding him facing out, he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. My heart melted and all of the tears, all of the pain, all of the fear, all of the heartache, all the bad melted away at the sight of his face. There was my baby.

We had a wonderful transition, he was amazing. It was a dream come true. Everything now made sense, we could see the forest now. We understood more why God allowed things to happen the way that it did. It was so surreal to finally be parents, we had longed for this day. God had heard our prayers, He had given us the desires of our hearts.

So here is to crazy rolleroaster rides that bring you closer to the Lord, your family, and make you so very thankful for God's sovereign, gracious hand in our lives. And here's to my sweet baby boy who is now not so much a baby but a wonderful little boy who's laughter and hugs make this momma's heart smile. I thank my God for you J. Mommy loves you and Happy Birthday.

The Importance of Support in Adoption and Where You Can Find It.

2011-06-14T18:22:00.000-07:00

When thinking about adding to your family by way of adoption, support is crucial to the journey. Support is critical...critical in not only the beginning process of making the decision to adopt, attempting the daunting paperwork process, traveling the long wait until a referral, but also in parenting AFTER the child comes to you. No matter what age the child is there is healing to be done, attachment to be made, and trust to be established. It will not be easy and there will be many fears, questions, and experiences along the journey. Its a wonderful road to be on and I never want to scare anyone away from that calling that the Lord might be placing upon your life but I always want to be real. Let me also say that we have been blessed TREMENDOUSLY by a very support family I know that not everyone has this and we are so thankful for our family and friends who have supported us along the way. We have been some of the first that they have ever known to adopt so its new territory to everyone but we couldn't have asked for a more supportive family. I found though that no matter how supportive any family is, sometimes you still need people in your life who have also actually adopted...only they really understand certain aspects of adoption because they have done it or are doing it right now. The Lord blessed my life greatly in the beginning of our adoption journey with bringing an amazing woman into my life who has been so much of a support to me. Its kind of a funny story how we started out but we are bonded together by our stories and our sons' stories. She gets me in a way that not everyone can and there have been so many times that I have called upon her and just poured my heart out. She knows, she understands, shes been there too. We attended some really life-changing conferences together and both had many "ah-ha" moments. One thing that we realized was we needed more support... and knew that there were other adoptive families out there who needed the same thing. This friend has ministry called Passion 1.27 and provides quarterly free adoption seminars for those interested in seeking to adopt. But it doesn't just stop there... like I said, the most critical part of needing support is after...when the child comes home. So Passion 1.27 is growing again and she has added monthly family pot-lucks as well as Mom's coffee groups and it doesn't matter what stage of the process you are in. IF you are just thinking about adoption, waiting, or have already adopted... please come join! If you are interested, check out Passion 1.27 blog... the first Mom's Coffee meeting is this Saturday! Support here we come!!

Thanks for reading
Blessings!

Adding to my "Top Ten"

2011-05-16T20:16:00.000-07:00

My blogging has been quiet the past few weeks and I've wanted to post things and actually have several posts "waiting" to be published but timing isn't right just yet. BUT, I did want to share some things that I'm adding to my "Top Ten" list of things to read./listen to, things that are really impacting me. The first is a book called A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller.
My momma gave it to me for Mother's Day. If you know my mom, then you know that she is a book guru. She reads just about everything and always recommends great books on so many topics and this book in particular has really impacted her as well. I will say that I'm only into chapter seven of this book but I am already loving it and quite coincidentally, its just right where I need to be in my life right now. I know a lot people might be turned off by another prayer book, at first glance it might not seem to be too interesting or profound...another book on prayer? But, it really is good. I get through one chapter and put it down because I really want to "soak" it all in.

The past few weeks have been interesting. There have been a lot of really, really, really amazing things happen, things that I'm still pinching myself going, I can't believe this is happening, but then why am I so shocked?? ....this is the God that I serve! Then there are have been a lot of not so great things happening, trials, tests, battles that we've been coming against. Its very interesting, but I knew that once we started the adoption process again that there would be some things come our way that would try to hinder us or stop us. I know that might sound all "woo-woo" ;) to some, but the enemy wants to get in the way of what the Lord is doing in believers' lives. Its in these times that I'm forced to get back on my knees...sometimes hourly and just pray. This book has been profound in that its teaching me not just "how to pray" but what prayer really is... how it is so interconnected with all of life. My need for Him on a daily, hourly, minute by minute basis. I've felt my walk with Christ grow deeper and deeper and am seeing the power of prayer, its been amazing. I could go on and on but just get the book, you will be glad that you did. :)

Also, during this season of life, I've been listening to Rita Springer, I was introduced to Rita back in my high school days and have been a faithful listener of her ever since. This woman is AMAZING! I feel like I have a private worship service in my car every time I listen to it. I finally got to go to a concert a few months back and it was wonderful! I actually got our sons' middle name- Justice from one of her songs, she adopted several years back and wrote a song called "I love Justice" it touched my heart so much and the name has so much meaning behind it I knew I wanted to use it as well. I have her most recent CD in my car and haven't been able to stop listening to it.

Well, its way past my bedtime! :)
Thanks for reading, blessing to you.

In the Waiting....when, when, when?

2011-04-26T20:49:00.000-07:00

So I wish that I had news but not too much to report right now with our process. We did just get our hard copy of the adoption photobook (yay!). I was really pleased with the way it turned out...except the narrative part on Chris was cut off because it ran off the page so it ends in the middle of a sentence. Not really sure how I'm going to fix that other than just insert a piece of paper with the rest of what he wanted to say! :) I will have to drive the book over to the office location and then all of our part is done. Just waiting on them to finish writing everything up!

Adopting this time around feels sooo different from the last. I feel much more at peace...having walked this road before, I have seen first hand that God is completely in control of the situation and there is really not much that I can *do*. Its more freeing- especially for an A-type, ducks in a row...ahem.. control freak type personality :)What you might think is going to happen- usually doesn't :)
During our visit with the social worker we were made aware of two situations that our profile could potentially be shown too. Its hard to not jump in emotionally head over heals already dreaming of what might come, but what I've found to do with those emotions is just pray...mainly for the birthmother. I'm not praying that she will pick us, but that the Lord's will be done and that He will guide her, bless her, and ultimately give her the wisdom in choosing to either parent or place the baby in a loving home that she feels at peace with, if that's us or another family. Its really not about me, us, our plans, even our desire to expand our family...but about the child, the birth parents, and Gods' sovereign hand in the situation.

We have been trying to prepare the kids as much as you can prepare a three and two year old about a new baby. We don't have the traditional growing belly situation and can say "there is a baby inside there it will be here in 9 months...etc" But its been really interesting to try and explain to J... I'm trying to use these conversations as a foundation for him. We want to be open and honest about his adoption story from the beginning. We've told him already he is adopted...although I know he doesn't get it all...its good for us and him to already begin the dialogue, I never want it to be a taboo subject nor all that we talk about but just natural for us to go into conversation about it. So this morning whenever A was playing with her baby dolls I started saying... "you know, sometime soon you guys are going to have a new baby brother or sister...and you can help mommy hold the baby, feed the baby, and rock it. It will want to sleep and a lot and probably cry some too..." So J then says..." Mommy, I want to help you hold the baby, when will he come to us?"... I smile because I literally have no idea.... "I don't know, whenever the baby is finished growing in its birthmommy's belly and God wants it to become apart of our family we will go to the hospital and pick him or her up to bring home and adopt the baby..." So then several hour later we go to Walgreens today to pick up a prescription and the first thing J says..."Mom, is the baby done growing in the belly? Are we picking it up??" :) Oh... man, I love conversations with 3 year olds. He continues to ask me "when?" "when?" "when?"...

I smile to myself and laugh because I was reminded of how I felt just three short years ago, that was all I asked of the Lord..."when, when, when!?!?" But with more exclamation points and less question marks. ;) Three short years ago I felt like I would never become a parent and was very unsure of God's direction for my life. Then in a whirlwind we became parents. We welcomed our beautiful little boy into our family and then just 8 months (yes you read that right) 8 very. short. months. we welcomed our daughter into our family as well. I look back and can see how God's hand was in every single moment, every silent prayer, every quite night, every- thing.

So I finally said to J... "J, when do YOU think the baby will come?" (Who knows...maybe the Lord revealed something to him! ;) His reply..." I don't know." :) And that's where we are. :)

I'm praying for all of my dear friends out there who are silently waiting, many to see their referral photos for the first time, some to be matched, some to bring their kiddos home, and some to just take the next step...praying for the grace and strength to walk this road that God has called you too and to know that in His time... in His time.

Thanks for reading.

Easter Week Activities and finishing touches on the Adoption Photobook!

2011-04-19T10:53:00.000-07:00

So in all of my free time with getting our homestudy done (haha, I know) I've been reading Treasuring God in Our Traditions by Noel Piper and have loved all of her ideas for making meaningful traditions in our family and helping center things around the Gospel. I've especially enjoyed her Easter and Christmas chapters. I know that there are several things already out there and I've gotten lots of ideas from different places and put them together. I'm sure you have seen the Easter Trees.
My friend Andrea over at http://www.babeofmyheart.com/ has a great post in her crafting section with the Easter Tree and scripture references already made out!

So what I finally ended up with was my own toddler/pres-school friendly version of everything. I really didn't want to have to spend any money on anything so I looked what I already had and this is what I came up with.
Every day from Palm Sunday until a few days after Easter Sunday I read a small portion out of the kid's Bible (The Jesus Storybook Bible, which by the way is a WONDERFUL children's Bible). I went through and found a Harmony of the Gospels' list which has the events leading up to Jesus' death in chronological order....thankfully, the children's Bible reads much like a story so it was already somewhat ordered this way.

Sunday- Triumphal Entry
Monday- Annointed by Mary
Tuesday- Servant King, washing disciples feet.
Wednesday- Garden of Gathsemane
Thursday- Arrest
Friday- Crucifixion
Saturday- Nothing
Sunday- Resurrection

Next thing that I did was paint these little wooden people- So don't laugh, I know it looks like a four year old painted them. :) Just fyi...Chris painted the really scary looking one of the left (Roman Guard) and he also painted the "sneaky" looking one next to him... Judas. ;) Other characters, Jesus Disciples (main characters like Judas, Peter, Thomas etc.) and Mary(the one who annointed Him). If you don't happen to have wooden people on hand (I'm still not sure how I did!) Noel Piper suggests you can also just use pipe cleaners to make characters. Then I went through the kids toys and found items that represented what we had read that day. After we finish reading, we put the item on the Easter Tree.

Items included things like a felt donkey, a cup for the Last Supper, Bread, colors that represent things (red for blood, love, black for sin, gold for heaven, white cotton ball for sins washed away), a nail, cross, etc.

I know this is something that we can do throughout the years and the kids are already having so much fun with it!

So thats what I'm trying to do to stay busy on top of STILL completing everything we need for our homestudy... I almost have the photobook done, I tell you that thing has had hours of work into it. Mainly because of technology issues but it is almost done and most likely I will be sharing it on here so come back to see it! ;) Blessings on your week; Thanks for reading!

Home Study Visit Done...Heart Overflowing

2011-04-15T03:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we had our home study visit. I had been anticipating this for a little while now. I knew what to expect since we have adopted before, but I was slightly more nervous this time. It started out like this. Everything was set to go, I had the house spotless, but there were a few other things I was waiting to do until Chris got home...like take the two giant trash bags out from the front door to the street, put the jogging stroller back in the garage, make some tea, light candles, have Chris put all of the outside toys that were on the back patio back out in the yard and vacuum the rugs, put make-up on. One kiddo had just woken up, the other still sleeping...things were going as planned... famous last words.

Chris walks in the door from work and says.."uh honey, shes here." I thought he was joking (it was an hour and a half earlier then I expected, my mistake on the time). After he convinced me that she really was here already we scrambled as fast as we could to move the trash out of the entry area (wouldn't that of been a lovely welcome) put the jogging stroller up, Chris went out into the backyard. I gave up on the tea, candles, and make-up and then the door-bell rang. So what started out as a crazy beginning really turned out to work out wonderfully. J slept through the first hour of the visit, A. sat on my lap quietly while we talked. Topics include, our life history, parenting techniques, how we work as a family unit, what support that we have from family, and then signing paperwork and going over logistics of adoption fees, timeline, etc. So... a lot of info. a lot of very important information. Oh, and by the way...part of your homestudy you have to have a physical done, HIV testing, blood work count, and a drug screen. I had picked the results up earlier that day was reading through them. I scanned down and read "drugs detected..." my heart stopped..."what!?!"... I look over and the drug detected was "CAFFEINE". LOL. I guess I had a lot of coffee that morning! Anyways, back to the visit, I had been praying all day that the kids would be obedient and kind to each other, I was so worried that they would break out in a tantrum or fight with each other. They really are great kids, but like all children, they can have their moments. Although I guess she would have seen parenting skills first hand if that had happened! ;) I had really tried to prepare the kids all day telling them Mrs. J is going to come over to talk to mommy and dadddy for a really LONG time. We need to be kind, polite, obey etc... and they DID! J woke up in a great mood, A. kept bringing toys to him to share, they kept saying "thank you," and "please". It was almost a little funny. But they did great, and I couldn't have been happier about how the visit went. I feel very much at peace about the visit, the agency we are using and where the Lord has us right now. I went to bed thinking about everything and how excited I was to be adding to our family again in this way and how blessed I feel that the Lord is leading us on this path. I woke up bright and early (4:15!) heart already full and the urgency to get on my knees and pray for the birthmom, wherever she may be, for the new baby, and for many of our friends who are adopting as well. I really feel so honored and blessed to be walking down this road again and cannot wait to see where it leads. Thanks for reading, more to come.

A letter to our Birthmother...

2011-03-28T05:52:00.000-07:00

So I'm working on a photobook for our adoption agency. For domestic infant adoption, most adoptions are matched by the birthmother picking the adoptive family. The adoptive family prepares a photobook or scrapbook that is basically a snapshot into the adoptive families' life. It has pictures of your family and extended family, gives interests, hobbies, parenting styles, etc. (no identifying information). I think its great to do and with J's adoption, they did not have us prepare one so I'm new at this. One piece that I'm finding very difficult to accomplish is the "Dear Birthmom" letter. Its not because I don't want to write it, I really do, I just can't get past the first few sentences without being a blubbery mess!

I'm just stumped....what do you say to a courageous woman who has decided to go against the grain of what society says is easier...decided to give LIFE and endure 9 long months of pregnancy, give birth, and then choose a life plan of adoption for her baby? What does she want to see from us? What will reassure her that her baby will be raised in a loving Christian home and that he or she will always know that we will speak highly of her to our children? I'm so emotional in doing this because since I've already adopted and given birth, I really feel for her in the loss that she will have to experience. I always want to give honor to the birthparents because they deserve it. For the adopted child, having a healthy view of their birthparents is important...now adoptive parents shouldn't fabricate information but it is important to be honest with them and give them the truth about their story in the best age appropriate way. I might or might not know all the reasons on why she chose a life plan of adoption and not parenting, and I will share this information with my child but what I DO know is the fact that she chose a life plan for them BECAUSE she loved them. I think a lot about the day if there will ever be reunification with my adoptive children and their birthparents. I know to some, this might seem scary and they might secretly hope that their adoptive children don't want to meet their birthparents. I feel quite the opposite. I've heard it said that to "have peace, you need all the pieces"...at age 18 the adoptive child is legally free to search for their birthparents, and the birthparents are free to search for their adoptive child. This is facilitated through the agency and only if both parties involved are willing, they will meet. My dream is that my children will be Godly, strong Christians who have a heart for the Lord and that if their birth parents are not believers that this will be an opportunity for them to share the love of Christ, to thank them for the life that they choose for them, and that they will be related not just by blood, but brothers and sisters in Christ as well.... this is my dream. So I will continue to write, edit, write, and edit along with pray for the words to express to some of the bravest women whom I will ever have the joy and privilege of meeting... and in the best way, convey the deepest gratitude in the opportunity to raise and love the children that they grew in their womb.

What I wish I would have known Part 2

2011-03-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

A more appropriate title for this post would be who I wish I would have met before we adopted and the answer would be....Nancy Thomas and Karyn Purvis. I got to meet and hear from both of them this past year and was blown away and SO grateful that I have their wisdom to now glean upon. Before you read this post, if you haven't read What I Wish I Would Have Known then read that for more background. I'm truly loving all of this attachment parenting and learning more about what I believe is the way God created it and trying to re-create that after adopting.

Let me start out by saying, I'm not an expert, although I like to read those are and who have done this for years and have a proven track record, I think its just learning from people who are wise. I know there is no magic parenting guide that gives us all the answers. In the end, God has given these children to you and entrusted them into your care. We all are different in our parenting styles, but when it comes to adoption... I do think that there are some extra things to consider in attaching properly. Like the prior posts states, attachment begins in the womb and continues throughout life. Whatever time we as adoptive parents missed out on, we have to "catch-up" on that, we have to re-build. Its a lot easier for parents who adopt infants but I think things get complicated because our society is not an attachment parenting society. I use that term loosely because its a pretty broad spectrum but if you look at our culture compared to other cultures, we cut things off pretty quickly...we want our 4 week old babies to sleep through the night, stay all day with perfect strangers, we use a lot more "baby-gear" then most, and look at children who cling to their parents as "whinny kids", insecure, or not independent. (I have done or thought all of these things so no judgement here, I'm just sayin! :)

I really, really cringe at theories that ask parents to make their infants cry it out to learn how to fall asleep on their own and to go hours upon hours without eating to stay on a schedule. (I can't even go three hours in between meals or my blood sugar goes crazy!!) Let me be clear here, it is important to have consistency in parenting and consistency helps kids feel safe, but in the baby stages, the consitancy that we must focus on is TRUST. And like the prior post, an adoptive infant already comes to you with trust issues therefore its crucial to make sure that we really nurture in this area. The positive interaction cycle (Needs- Arousal) cycle which develops healthy attachment goes as follows:
Baby has a need- Baby Cries- Needs Met by Caregiver-Trust Develops- Baby has a Need etc. (from Thriving as an Adoptive Family) I read an interesting article about the cry-it out method and it pertained to biological children without coming from hard places... it made me think about what implications there were for infants who were adopted. Here is the article in full if you would like to read but to quote the author..."When the infant falls asleep after a period of wailing and frustrated cries for help, it is not that she has learned the "skill" of falling asleep. What has happened is that her brain, to escape the overwhelming pain of abandonment, shuts down. It's an automatic neurological mechanism. In effect, the baby gives up" Hmmmmm.......

Okay, okay, so practically speaking...what does healthy adoptive attachment look like? Well, here are some things that I've learned from the conferences by Nancy Thomas. You can find out more at www.attchment.org Just for some background on her, she is an adoptive parent who had some really hard kids to love on. She now helps families with children who have severe RAD (reactive attachment disorders) and gives them these simple tools. She says that after families have implemented these things they benefit greatly!! I plan on implelemtning them with our next adoption. My theory is...I'd rather over-attach (if there really was a thing) then under-attach.
This is adopting from 0-4 year olds. She says for the first 6 weeks take time to really focus soley on the child. Just like a new mother home from the hospital, those first 6 weeks of healing for her own body limit the activity she is involved in.

1.Prepare your baby's room:
- simple/neutral colors- nothing too overstimulating.
-don't go overboard on buying things, toys, baby gear etc. You want to be relationship building- making lots and lots of eye contact, not sitting them in front of tons of toys where they have no eye contact with you and the focus in on something other than you.

2. Keys to Bonding:
-Eye Contact (seems simple, but its HUGE)while holding, playing, talking, feeding
-Touch-
she recommends baby wearing for several hours each day, have baby face inward to you not outward (Remember...recreating the time that was lost and re-gaining trust)
-hold baby close to heart, sounds of your heartbeat are soothing and babies heart rate will try to regulate to yours- helping them be calm.
-Smiles- while feeding, playing, talking
- Lactose- feed baby something sweet...okay, this was cool. Did you know that mothers' breast milk is VERY sweet? The brain associates sweetness with positive feelings and attachment. If you can, try supplemental breastfeeding (yes, you can breastfeed even if you have adopted.)

- Only mom and dad hold baby for first six weeks unless under under 5 minutes.
- Baby should not be left alone to cry for more than 3 minutes.

In the end, God has given these children to us to nurture and care for. Use your instincts, every child is different, every parent is different. I'm greatful for wonderful resources that have helped me along the journey and other adoptive families who have walked through or are walking through it now and are a source of support. Which by the way, we had our first Adoptive Family Fellowship, it was wonderful! More on that later.

Thanks for reading!

Children of God

2011-03-16T10:45:00.000-07:00

Something that I've grown more aware of since adopting is the theology of my own adoption by my Heavenly Father. I love this video by Third Day. The lyrics are amazing, the video...powerful and a great reminder to all of us who are believers. You have to watch it all the way to the very end. All these families are real and have adopted. Enjoy :)

New 3rd Day Adoption Video: Children of God

News to share!

2011-03-08T12:18:00.000-08:00

This is what we're about to get on!! I've always said that adoption is a "roller coaster with lots of ups and downs." I've been staring at the the roller coaster for a while thinking... Was I ready to get onto it again and after much prayer and consideration...we're stepping out in faith and gettin' on! So... we have decided to adopt again! (surprise, surprise I know ;). We have finally chosen our domestic adoption agency and met with them today to get the ball rolling. Once the home-study portion is updated then our profile will be ready to be shown to birthmothers.

I'm a little more nervous this time, I know what to expect and I know the ups and downs. I know my heart is about to be put out on the line. I also know that the enemy doesn't like adoption, and tries to get in the way. But I know that My God is in control and He will prevail. I know that my God LOVES adoption...He adopted us! And I know that my God loves LIFE and I'm already praying for our birthmother out there wherever she may be and am grateful for her and all the birthmothers out there who choose LIFE!!

I really want to be an open book and allow (as much as possible) others to join in on our journey. I love to share with others the incredible blessing that adoption has been in our life and blogging is a great way to do it! Plus its really nice to receive encouragement ;).

So if you think about it, be in prayer for us. We'd really appreciate it! More to come.

Blessings and thanks for reading!

Created for Care 2011

2011-02-16T10:44:00.000-08:00

So its been almost two weeks since I attended the Created for Care Retreat and am just now getting the time to blog all about what I learned but I didn't want to pass the opportunity to share with others what an amazing time this was and all that I learned. If you have adopted, will be adopting, or are interested in adopting I would HIGHLY recommend going to something like this. And guess what...there is going to be one in 2012!! The response from this retreat was so outstanding that the precious gal who started it has decided to continue with it because we know how important it has been to us who have adopted. To sum it up in a few words this is what I experienced... friendship & bonds, wisdom & hope, strength & courage

Friendship & Bonds:

It began with a wonderful (well, up into the last hour- I'll get to that later) road trip with my precious friend Kristin. She is an adoptive parent by way of domestic adoption and they are about to adopt now Internationally from Ethiopia. She is also the director for Passion 1.27- the organization that I help out with so for her and I to get 6 hours in the car together to talk all about adoption/orphan ministry was priceless! We have been very interested in International adoption and since she has done both I literally picked her brain the whole time and asked about a bazillion questions (just send me the bill Kristin- I really think you should have charged me! lol). I love this friend so much and am so thankful for all the time we spent together...On a aide note... well, everything was going just great until smack in rush hour traffic in the middle of Atlanta, pouring rain.... BAM...someone rear-ended me. I was just so excited to get to the conference center that the first thing I shouted was "Now we are going to be LATE!!"...luckily, everyone was fine, hardly any damage done to my car (good thing we took the SUV) and after about an hour detour of police reports we were back on the road. Glad I had Kristin to help me along with that one!

We arrive at the retreat center and wow, it was beautiful there. Here is a little look

Then we enter the seminar area and there are hundreds (literally) of women there who have adopted, we all have our special goodie bag, and name tags with the flag of the country that we have adopted from and it was truly the strangest thing to be in a room where we had all traveled or are traveling the same journey, we had something in common! Many people don't understand this, but as an adoptive parent, there are just some things that you worry and face that other parents who haven't adopted just don't face. There are questions that we all secretly ask ourselves, situations that we go through (like the funny looks from people at the grocery store when we have children that don't look like us), and longings for other families to also experience the joy of adoption. Then...to be in a room where everyone else feels the same way, its a bond- a pretty strong bond too that makes you befriend people online and through blogs even though you have never met them before. :) It was an amazing feeling to be with all of these women and I'm excited to hear/see their journeys continue.

Wisdom & Hope

We began with a wonderful time of worship and a great video- these are just some of the families of the mommas that attended. (scroll down to the bottom of my blog to turn off the existing music)

We listened to Dr. Susan Hills who is a senior scientist at the CDC and works on HIV/AIDS related research. She is also adoptive momma and has ten children. Her story...incredible. After losing a son tragically in an accident her daughter begged them to pray about adopting. They ended up adopting several siblings and friend sets internationally. The neatest thing was she brought one of her sons (to the retreat) who is now a young man. It was so sweet to see their special bond and to hear him was so encouraging and gave me hope for the future of my children- regardless of where they came from and started at. I gained so much wisdom while listening to a panel of adoptive moms speak on very practical issues...things like finding time in the day when you have a big family, leaning on the Holy Spirit for the every day moments, and so much more.

We all know that knowledge applied is wisdom and I got myself a belly-full of knowledge on African-American hair care...lets just hope that it becomes wisdom! Boy did we all laugh at this breakout session. This was so practical and helpful... but all I can say is boys' hair is sooo much easier! If we do adopt a girl I think I'm just going to be adding a budget line titled "Hair Care at the Salon" ;)

Now one of my FAVORITE sessions was one my Nancy Thomas who is a well known attachment author, this woman is incredible...I'm going to devote another blog post to what I've learned from her and my own experiences with attachment soon... but wow, this gave me more and more wisdom and really so much hope in knowing that some things that God is calling us to do and after hearing her I left with a feeling that I was more equipped to walk forward in that.

Strength & Courage: Last, but not least this was the one thing I was really hoping that the Lord would deal with me and speak to me about. We've had a lot of questions about what next...international, domestic...now...later...what Lord? Fear is my biggest enemy in SO many areas of my life. This weekend, I felt like there was some bondage that was just totally broken. I was sitting there listening to these women who knowingly adopted HIV positive children or special needs children, or teenagers who have spent their whole entire life in institutions. These mommas-their lives have been turned upside down, they didn't say it was all easy and a bed of roses... no actually, they said quite the opposite. BUT.... the joy, oh the joy to see them walk when they were declared cripple, the joy when they said "I love you mommy" when all others said they would never attach... the joy to hear a teenage son text his mom and say "I miss you, you are doing great things." when he never felt a persons love until the age of 10. I heard of this and the walls of fear came tumbling down and I thought...what is my problem!?! This life isn't about me, its not about my little white picket fence mentality that all of my kids have to be perfect in health, mind, body, and soul and act just the right way...God is giving me the privilege and honor of being able to open up our home and arms and show them the love that He bestowed upon us, to adopt them just like He adopted us. So it gave me courage to move forward and to say yes, I will do what He wants, it gave me strength to move forward when it doesn't all make sense.

That weekend was wonderful and I'm so grateful for those who took time out of their busy lives to bless all of us who attended, I know that through it the Lord worked and many lives will be changed because if it.

Thanks for reading.

Opportunities all around, preparing to leave, anticipating great things!

2011-02-02T10:55:00.000-08:00

Last week was a great week where I got to see the Lord move and speak to many on behalf of orphans. I'm humbled, amazed, and excited whenever I hear stories or get to share myself about what God has done/is doing in our life in regards to adoption. Last week was just a taste of what I'm expecting this next weekend to be and I can hardly wait...I'm SO excited!!

I had the honor of helping out a local organization, Heart of the Bride at their annual banquet celebration. We sponsor a child through Heart of the Bride and I have known the founder and other staff of this organization for a while now. Each year they have a dinner celebrating what God is doing with all who help support them and cast a vision for the future. Part of the night was a little different then past years, while not an adoption agency, they wanted to honor the families who have adopted and provide resources to point those in the right direction who are interested in adoption. Hubby and I were asked to speak briefly along with some other couples about a few key points of our adoption journey and I just thought that I would share one part here.

One question was "How did God first plant the seed of adoption in your heart? While ultimately we started the road to adoption because of infertility, it actually began much earlier in my life. Whenever I was 15 I went on a missions trip to Ecuador. One day we worked in an orphanage and it was there that I was first hit with the reality of the orphan crisis. There was one little baby that was playing out in the yard, I went over to him, picked him up, and started playing with him. Within a matter of minutes he fell asleep and stayed asleep in my arms the whole time we were there. I remember whenever it was time to go I went up to his room, laid him down, and cried as I walked away. This little stranger had stolen my heart and while at the time, I knew that there wasn't much I could do the Lord spoke to me. A friend of mine had given me a journal to write down things that we experienced in Ecuador...I went back to where we were staying and wrote, "I feel like the Lord is leading me to adopt one day and I pray that whomever my husband is, that He would lead him in the same way as well." A couple of years went by, I got married several years after that experience and never really thought about the journal entry again, it was later while traveling the infertility road that I was reminded of this journal... I went and found it and low and behold, there it was. So never underestimate the seeds that God plants in your heart, you never know how and when it will come to fruition. If you are someone who knows that you want to adopt, but maybe your spouse isn't quite there yet....just be patient, pray, and wait, the Lord is bigger than you are and can change the heart of anyone.

It was wonderful to see all of the amazing work that the Lord is doing through this ministry and everyone who partners with them. It was also wonderful to hear many other stories of families who have adopted and see how God worked mightily on their behalf during their journey. To learn more about Heart of the Bride, their ministry, and how you can get involved... go visit their site. http://www.heartofthebride.org/home

Now, while this was a "planned" speaking event, a day earlier I had a much more informal opportunity to speak to none other then my doctor and nurse! :) lol. You become friends with whoever delivers your babies as you get to see them lots during the pregnancy but after the baby is born, not so much. Anytime I see my doctor its like a mini-reunion...showing pictures, sharing stories etc. The nurses always remember my story because at my first ultrasound appointment, I had a newborn with me and they were all very confused! (If you don't know the story, I found out I was pregnant the day we got J's referral, which makes my kiddos 8 months apart! :). Anyways, a nurse walked up to me and remembered me right off, I recognized her but didn't quite remember who she was, I could tell that she really wanted to talk to me though. She started asking me all of these questions about adoption and was telling me about their story and desire to adopt, I was able to point her in the right direction regarding the next steps to take and as I walked away could hear the joy in her voice and she was talking to her other nurse friend about how excited she was to start on the next step. Its just so neat to see God working and when and where you least expect it, He is moving.

It seems like everywhere I turn people are open, curious, and willing to move forward in the steps to adopt and I'm humbled to even get to witness it!

Now onto my preparation for this weekend, I'll be loading up and driving out with my good friend and fellow adoptive momma Kristin to the "Created for Care" retreat. It was all started by another blog friend and adoptive momma and what was meant to be 25 women, grew to 250+. I'm soooo thrilled to be able to be surrounded by 250 other women who have traveled this same road and whose heart is for the orphan. I can't wait to hear more stories, listen to adoption/attachment professionals, and be refreshed. I'll post more about the retreat but you can go here http://www.babeofmyheart.com/ to visit Andrea's site.

Andrea did a post about preparing to leave little ones and I thought her ideas were so great that I did a few of them. I already love doing crafts and "school" with my kiddos so since its February and Valentine month (hehe) it is all working out into a great little "unit" which I'll put more about in my "school" section. (I'll be so ready when they are a little bit older and I can do real school! :)

First, I used Andrea's Valentine fortune cookie craft and tweaked it a bit. (You can find that under her crafts section). Instead of making the felt fortune cookies, I just bought these little plastic heart containers at the Dollar Tree and followed her idea about putting a verse, or encouraging note into each one. (I also squeezed in some goldfish too! ;) The slips of paper contained phrases appropriate for two year olds..."Mommy loves you", "God made you perfectly" etc. Each day from February 1st until Valentines days (or maybe longer ;) they can open one and I read it to them. They were soooo excited about it this morning

I also got little toys/treats at the dollar store for every day that I will be gone from them and wrapped them. Now if you haven't discovered the Dollar Tree for kids' stickers, toys, etc. then go find one because its so cheap and the kids have no clue that it was only a dollar (well, for now at least :)

Well, thats all for now. Thanks for reading!

MLK Jr., Equality, Civil Rights, Love for all...what I may never fully understand; the dream I hope to help fulfill.

2011-01-16T18:15:00.000-08:00

Heavy Title for a Heavy Post. Tomorrow is Martin Luther King Jr.'s Birthday and for many of us, that equates to a day off from work, a day to relax, a day to catch-up, or be with our family...all good things and for the first 23 years of my life, that was what this day meant to me. Until recently.
I was born in 1985 into a middle class, white, military family. I've lived in the South almost all of my life. I was raised in a small, safe, Christian community and if it were not for the military, I doubt that there would be any ethnic diversity. I had a wonderful childhood with an amazing family that raised me to love the Lord.
Whenever we adopted transracially I knew that it was "different" I knew that not everyone would agree with it. I knew that there would be questions, and I knew that there would be things that would we would need to do differently or think about differently whenever we adopted transracially. Whenever people questioned I just kept coming back to the things that that I did know... that God loves all people, He has created all of us, in HIS image, and He calls us to love others just like He loves us. I knew that God had adopted me and that I was not of His line, heritage, race... I was a foreigner but it didn't matter to Him about the color of my skin. It was just so simple to me and it seemed like it should be that simple for others. But sometimes its just not.
Whenever J was just a baby I rented "The Great Debaters" (one of my all time favorite movies!) and that movie changed me, dramatically. I didn't realize how little I knew of the history of The Civil Rights Movement, nothing against the high school that I went to, and I mean, I knew what happened... I just didn't really KNOW what happened, I didn't really FEEL what happened, I didn't really fully understand and probably won't ever unless I went back and lived it. When I watched that movie well, I was shocked, horrified, stunned because now it was personal. Now it meant something to me, because the little baby that was soundly sleeping in the next room, my son, is black.

Part of it that still baffles me is that it wasn't so long ago and I'm still amazed at how we... a civilized nation founded on Christian beliefs let those horrifying things go on for so long, but that's the ugly evil nature of sin. The evil in men's hearts that allowed centuries of slavery, the torture, abuse, the segregation, the hate, the oppression....all because of the color of their skin. It baffles me.

But thankfully, there is Hope and brave, brave men stood up and fought for my son's freedom, for my son's right to sit on any park bench that he wants to, or drink from any water fountain, go to any school, and have the same education that my daughter does and maybe one day be president :) I don't ever want to forget what went on and I want to, in the best way that I possibly can, raise him to understand what happened, what went on, and to be able to keep MLK's dream alive...to help fulfill what not just Martin Luther King wanted, but what Christ calls us to. Lets face it, racism is still around and I can still see it in some of the faces of people at the grocery store who look at me and my colorful family. All I can do is show them love back and teach my son grace, dignity, honor, strength, and most of all how to forgive.

Thanks for reading.

Our new hobby.... and yes you can do it too!

2011-01-04T14:53:00.000-08:00

So a friend of mine who seems to always come across the most amazing blogs and websites posted one day on her facebook about a fabulous website. I clicked on it and became addicted to the particular skill that this woman had. Although what this woman did required knowledge of something that I NEVER saw myself touching with a ten foot pole. The woman- Ana- truly has a gift for building furniture for next to nothing... you know, the pieces that you see in Pottery Barn Magazine and wonder who spends $300.00 on one shelf !?!(okay so if thats you don't read the rest of this :) Anyways I kept thinking man, I wish I could make that stuff.... well, I looked through the site a little more and found a very helpful "Getting Started" section and I began to be less intimidated with the whole thing. So the "go-getter" (as my sisters so lovingly refer to me as) said, "What the heck. I'll buy a saw. "

So this is what I got for Christmas...

I think my husband jumped at the idea of me wanting tools for Christmas since he would be able to benefit a little from it too, and the fact that he got it 50% off for Black Friday was an added bonus! My father-in-law is a master carpenter and can build anything and everything so I knew that if worse came to worse, he could always use an extra saw. It was almost comical as I opened up my gifts from them, tool belts, carpenter pencils, jigsaw, and other things that I've already forgotten what they are called, but my husband and I quickly put the tools to use and viola!

I'm very excited to show you our first creations. While I'm still learning much of the basics as hubby dearest pretty much tells me to do, I just have to tell you all that if I can do it, trust me....ANYONE can! And is it worth it cost wise? YES!! Anything that we have built, we have looked up online even to see if Walmart of Target can beat the price and there's just nothing like homemade knockoffs! :)

So our first attempt was this.... a sitting bench/bookshelf: Cost: 35 something

It still needs some paint but I just can't decide what color it should be.

Next we have these Photo Gallery Ledges... now keep in mind that when you build yourself it can be however you want, for an 8 ft. ledge its $10.00 to make, but my wall space was much smaller so we cut them down, it ended up being about $3.oo per ledge.

Sorry I know that picture is small.

Lastly, we had some leftover wood from the ledges so we built another ledge for the kitchen for my cookbooks, spices and then underneath we built a little clothes-pin hanger thing (sorry, couldn't remember the real name) Ana had this piece in her daughters' room as an art display holder but I decided to make it smaller and put my Christmas cards on it, only problem is that I had more cards then holders but I guess that's a good thing!

So if you're wondering what the site is its called http://www.ana-white.com

Its wonderful and don't visit it unless you have hours and hours to look at it, just kidding...well, not really. ;)
Our next project...a corner cabinet.

Thanks for reading!
Blessings!

If I can be honest here...

2010-12-30T11:02:00.000-08:00

So usually I'm the type of blogger who waits until everything thats going on in my life has been processed through and all sorted out, I haven't been the type to really open myself up and say what I'm feeling RIGHT now in the moment but I've decided to go ahead and just share whats on my heart at this time.
We've known for a while again that we were going to adopt again in the future when and how was undecided. I think it was about this time last year through reading "Don't Waste Your Life" by John Piper that I was hit square between the eyes that God was calling our family to adopt again. We were comfortable.... two kids, one boy and one girl. LOTS of people said oh... how nice, you have your boy and girl now you can stop. lol...right. ;) But for us, its a little more then just having the typical American life with the white picket fence, dog, cat, and two kids...my eyes were opened to a world that needed us to be Christ's hands and feet and for US....adopting is ONE way.
We've had a homestudy done, ready to go since about March of 2010 but it just wasn't the right timing yet, then in October I went to the Together for Adoption conference and I was once again reminded of the HEAVY burden on my heart for the orphan and wanting to become a parent again by way of adoption. We got really close to moving forward... so close in fact that I called the agency we had decided on and asked to set up a time for her to get our Homestudy verified to activate our file then the worst happened... Aleiya broke her leg. That situation sent me in a spiral of emotions... fear, anxiety, concern for the health and safety of my kids, realizing even more every day that I cannot completely control every situation and that having kids is HARD, its sanctifying. ;) I started thinking man, the more kids we have the more opportunity for pain and hardship to come into my life (wow, what incorrect thinking!!) Am I the only crazy one out there that has ever felt this way!?!
Anyways so for a while there I kept thinking, maybe two is okay. Well, thankfully God always uses our circumstances...even the "bad" ones for a reasons that I won't always understand on this side of eternity so all I can do is rest in knowing that He is in control and only wants the best for my life. So here is the other part that is going on with me... I've been reading a lot, books from the conference that just haunt me. Some of them I had to stop reading because I just sobbed the whole time. One is "The Castaway Kid" another is "Red Letters" and another is "The Connected Child" all are orphan, adoption, being the hands and feet of Jesus books and once again I'm hit with the pull on my hear to move and act.
I've been following a blog called babeofmyheart.com Andrea and her family are just wonderful. Shes a recently adoptive mother of a little baby from Ethiopia. I have LOVED reading her blog and getting to know her more. I got to meet her in October and will get to go on a road trip with my other adoptive friend Kristin (who is also adopting from Ethiopia) to a retreat for adoptive mommas that Andrea is putting on. Through both of these ladies for the first time my heart is actually been opening up to international adoption, which if you really know my you are probably surprised because I have always said that I could never adopt internationally. I have always thought that I didn't have the guts for the paperwork process, the unknowns, and the financial aspect of it. BUT.... as we know, God can soften any heart and mine is in that process right now. I can't have a quiet time, listen to worship music or do anything near "spiritual" without thinking about it...adopting maybe from Africa??? There are so many unknowns about it, things I'm not sure about and then we go back to maybe we should just adopt domestically again...like I said I usually don't share things until its a done deal but I just wanted to share my heart and what the Lord is doing right now. I feel like 2011 is going to be an interesting year for us as we sort of all this out, keeping the main thing, the main thing... to glorify God in whatever we do and being the hands and feet of Jesus.

What I wish I would have known...

2010-12-09T11:45:00.000-08:00

This is WAY over-due but I wanted to finish all that I learned from the Together for Adoption Conference. As I said in an earlier post, this conference was so amazing because it really spoke to me in many different areas in my life. It spoke in my personal adoption from Christ, the ministry that I work with, any future adoptions that we will have, and most importantly, our adoption of J. If you are considering adoption, have adopted, or know of someone who has this post is for you! I know that we all have different ways of parenting, belief systems, and expectations but let me just say when you are an adoptive parent it is a WHOLE different ball game. Let me back up and tell you a little bit of our story....

We wanted a family...BAD... I was so ready to be a mom, all of my friends were having their first babies and I couldn't believe that I was still childless. I had so much experience- babysitting, nannying...I had a degree in Elementary Education for goodness sakes! I thought I was ready... I knew it all. Little did I know. :)
When we decided to adopt I read a lot about agencies and tried to find what would be the best pick for us. We read some books, not many but I just kept thinking...I'm just going to parent this baby like it was my own, what do else do I need to know!?! I look back now and think wow, if I only knew what I knew now. If I had only tried to glean some wisdom. If I only had someone to come alongside of me, if I had only gone to these conferences before and learned more about how to parent this child that GOD had given me...this ADOPTED child. Don't get me wrong, I love J the same that I love A and I see him as my natural born child but just because I love him as he is my own does not mean that I need to parent him like he came from my womb. I know this all might sound strange so let me back up some more and this is way cool so just hang on! :)

Karyn Puvis Ph.D was an incredible speaker at the T4A conference, she is the director of the Texas Childrens University Institute of Child Development and holds Adoption Project Hope Camps. She told story after story of how she was called upon to help "difficult" children. Many of these children were in overseas orphanages, some even jail and yes some adopted from birth. Karyn had us all in tears as she spoke about the power of God's healing in these children's life and it came from the most simple things...love, bond, attachment, eye contact, touch, proper boundaries. I kept thinking wow, this is all so great but doesn't really apply to us... J was adopted at birth, we brought him home right from the hospital... he isn't from "a hard place"....as I continued to listen to the session, my eyes began to fill with tears as I realized how terribly wrong I was.

The way God designed it... a mother is pregnant for nine months and in those nine months that baby begins to bond, attach. We know that they can hear the mother's voice, they can recognize it even in the womb. Most of the time the mother carefully cares for herself during pregnancy, she watches what she eats, she is happy that she is pregnant. Then the baby is born, the mother holds the baby, has skin to skin contact, feeds every two hours. Studies and research have been done showing that babies need "sensory bath" aka....feeding, cooing, talking, holding every two hours and interestingly enough most breastfed babies eat every two hours! ;) Isn't our Creator cool!? During the time that the baby feeds the part of the brain that is responsible for attachment and bonding grows, develops, and begins to build laying the foundation for life a foundation that without it, other foundations WILL NOT be built or they will be built on a rocky ground. The baby cries- the parent responds, this is attachment, its not a whining baby trying to be bad but needing something and when the parents responds it builds trust. The child continues to grow and as each new stage in life he or she comes to, the parent is there guiding, helping, directing, loving.

So what happens with an adopted child...well, depending on the age will depend on how much "catch-up" time the parent has to do. For an infant adopted right from the hospital, we can't assume that they are completely okay. We don't know how the mother took care of herself during pregnancy. Studies show that stress, drugs, alcohol all play a negative part on a developing babies' brain, something that can be helped but already that adopted baby is coming from a "harder place." Then comes birth.... and this little baby has suffered loss. A deep and profound loss. Their life began with loss, and as much as I wanted to deny that and tell myself that J was completely perfect, in order for me to be the best parent for him I needed to acknowledge the fact that he suffered a loss- he lost his mother. And it still makes me cry to think about that but its true, the person that sustained his life for the first 9 months was gone and I would be kidding myself if I tried to forget that. There will come a day that J will mourn for her, its only natural. I've read that some adoptive babies even mourn right after birth. Karyn even told us that they have been able to see the "flight or fight" receptors in adoptive babies brains already functioning so early because they know that something has changed.

As I listened to Karyn, tears streaming down my face I finally realized that J did come from a hard place, he didn't have to endure an orphanage or be neglected but his beginning started with loss. But the best part of the story is that doesn't end there.... he also gained.

So what can an adoptive parent to? Well, for starters we have to "catch- up" on what was lost. Put down your theories about cry it out methods and spoiling a baby. These babies NEED the extra love, holding, bonding, attaching, feeding, responding to their cries quickly and immediately. They have to learn to now put their trust in you- they don't know you, they have no history with you and the only history that they do have is the last person left them, I know this sounds harsh but we have to be equipped. These are the things that I wish I knew when we first adopted and things that I and MANY MANY other adoptive parents who have realized these things recommend. I WAS in theory more of a "cry-it out" kind person but thankfully I was so sick from being pregnant that J and I laid around the house all day, I held him LOTS and didn't pass him around from person to person. Chris and I were pretty much the only people that fed him, he slept in a pack-n- play next to our bed. Like I said in the beginning, you cannot parent this baby like a baby that you carried in your womb because you didn't and this new baby needs to build trust with you. So basically, think about trying to "re-create" 9 months of bonding, hold, lots of eye contact, talking, limiting the amount of people who hold the baby in the early weeks.

So J did suffer loss but he also gained... he gained two loving parents, two amazing sets of grandparents, a host of wonderful aunts, uncles, cousins and a baby sister. I pray that he also one day gains Christ as his Lord and Savior.

And as we continue to lead, disciple, love, and nurture our son it will be important for me to acknowledge that he is adopted, to be able to talk openly with him about that, and to shed a positive light on what adoption is both physically and spiritually. I pray that God will give me the grace, wisdom, and strength to do this because after all, J is really His to begin with. ;)

Thanks for reading,
Kelly

Together for Adoption Part I

2010-10-06T11:24:00.000-07:00

How do I even begin to describe all that God showed me this weekend?! This conference truly touched me on so many levels and my heart is still overflowing with everything that I heard. It will probably take many posts to explain. :) But let me back up and first just share how it was such a "God thing" that I was even able to go in the first place. I've wanted to go to this conference for over a year now, I wasn't able to go last year because my daughter was still so little but I kept thinking, "next, year, next year..." Well, it got closer and closer and I realized that I just didn't have the budget to be able to go. Then about a week out, my friend Kristin (also director of Passion 1.27) posted through Facebook that she was going, I knew she was and commented something to the effect of, "wish I was going, have a wonderful time!" that night she told me that she had just gotten a free ticket the night before through Bethany Christian Services! Now this is Sunday morning that I'm learning of all this, four days before the conference. My mind starts flooding with ALL that I'm going to have to do to get two kiddos ready, myself and to add to it, hubby was also going to be out of town in Texas that same weekend. It was a really long way to drive to the conference and the costs for flying were astronomical so I thought that most likely I wouldn't go. Besides that, childcare was going to be interesting to find. So, to make a long story short, Kristins' brother "just happened" (nothing is an accident right? :) to have sky miles that needed to be used and offered them to me!! Then, many people, family and my friend Shelly, offered to watch the kids and my in-laws were able to keep them the whole time. The plane ticket itinerary worked out PERFECTLY and everything was set. It was really pretty cool to see God work in even the little things for me to go, practically free.

My heart was so heavy even before going, the Lord was really already working on me in so many ways.

So, I finally get there and walk into an auditorium of hundreds of people all with the same mind, same heart.... a passion for the gospel and the orphan. The music was AMAZING, Aaron Ivey an adoptive dad and music leader led out and within the first 5 minuets I'm already crying!

Next, Dan Cruver an adoptive dad and theologian, eloquently presented the theology of adoption, and how the gospel should be the center of the orphan crisis. He showed new insights into my adoption in Christ that I never saw before and how before the foundations of the earth, the Trinity had a mission... our adoption...

Galations 4:4-6 "But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons."

Ephesians 1:3-6 "Blessed be the God and Father our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing, in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundations of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good please of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace by which He made us accepted in the Beloved."

W.O.W!

Dan also shared his personal story to the road of adoption. I've found that the road to adoption many times starts with pain, loss, or a tragedy. His second child died at the age of three after having 40-70 seizures a day every day of his life. They decided to not have any more biological children in it being a genetic issue and then adopted two African-American boys. (He also spoke on Transracial Adoption which I will share about later! :)

I love hearing others adoption stories and how God many times uses our pain for His glory and our good...and I got to hear many, many more! But this post is long enough so I will save it for another day. :)

Here is a song from Aaron Ivey's CD- Amos' Song

Health Care Reform, Blind Side, and Passion 127

2010-03-25T06:01:00.000-07:00

This has been a really interesting two days for us personally as many exciting changes have happened.

To begin with, as the very controverisal Health Care Bill being signed, I had no idea that it would effect me as an adoptive parent and surprisingly it does! And its GREAT news for adoptive parents. To get the full explanation go here http://chrisitianallianceblog.org/?p=563#respond

For most adoptive couples, financial strain is one of the hardest things in adoption, many couples who even consider adoption don't because of the cost. With this in place, the tax credit will continue as well as give a refund, dramatically cutting the cost of adoption. Amazing! :)

On another note, I have been able to join up with a wonderful non-profit local organization called Passion 127. I am thrilled that I found the director of this and she has allowed me to be apart of this team. Passion 127 was born out of the experience of an adoptive family who desires to spread the word about James 1:27 " Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." To learn more about them go here http://passion127.blogspot.com/http://

I have been earnestly praying for a way to help the ministry of adoption and the Lord answered those prayers. I was able to talk to the director over the phone and will be meeting with the team in the next few weeks! There is a free seminar on adoption coming up, if you are interested then please sign up. I'll be there!

With these two exciting things in our hearts and the future, we were finally able to sit down and watch the Blind Side last night. We missed it in the theatre and decided just to wait until it came out on DVD and yes, I loved it! It just continued to confirm to me how there is such a need for adoptive parents and the word to get out there, it stirred up my emotions and reignited the passion that I have for adoption. With all three of these events in place, we can feel the Lord's enabling power over our lives to continue to walk in obedience to this call.

FAQ... from strangers to friends & family

2010-03-10T18:42:00.000-08:00

I thought that during some of the waiting time I would try and post more topics on adoption and questions that have been asked of me since we have adopted. Now obviously I only have a very small scope of experiences since my kiddos are still young but I'm sure that as the years go by there will be much more to add to the list. :) So for the next few weeks I'm going to post FAQ about adoption. These are questions that people have really asked me. Some of them are funny and some of them are not. Some of them have caught me completely off guard, some of them I have been prepared for. Some of them are from complete strangers (Walmart and Publix seems to be the #1 hot spot for these), some from dear friends & family. I know that probably lots of these questions you too might have had but have been unsure of how to ask. So in no particular order...

#1 "Do you love your adopted child as much as your biological child...was the bonding any different?"

The day I met J will forever be engraved in my memory and the day I met A will also be forever engraved in my mind.
The first time I ever saw J was at a dear woman's car-port. Because of some complications, the adoption was put off a day and our attorneys sent the baby home with one of their foster moms until we could pick him up. She met us outside and I will never forget the moment I met my baby boy. All I wanted to do was hold him, I couldn't believe that he was really ours.
The first time I met A was in a hospital delivery room. I was tired from painful childbirth and all I wanted was her out!! :) But once I saw her, I just wanted to hold her. I couldn't believe that she was really ours. Here too, I will never forget the moment of meeting my little girl.
Both times there was a first. First time seeing them, first time holding them, first time kissing them, first time feeding them, first time rocking them to sleep, first time seeing them smile. First time hearing them call you...."momma."

The bonding was no different. The amount of love for them, just the same.
I have to admit that I was more fearful that something could happen to J then I was with A because of legal complications but every time I thought this through all I could come back to was that God was in complete control. Just because A was biological didn't exempt her from something happening. These children aren't mine to begin with... they are the Lords and HE has given them to me for such a time as this.

Sometimes I forget that J is adopted, let me explain. We will be in the store and I will notice someone looking intently in my direction, I turn around and no one is there...it must be me they are staring at. I think, "why are they looking at me?" then I remember that my colorful family is peaking someone's interest. J is just so much apart of our family and he has always been there, he is who he is and I love every part of him that makes him, him. I don't share his color eyes, texture of hair, or have really flat wide feet like him and oh yeah.... hes chocolate and I'm vanilla. Does it make me love him less because he doesn't look like me? not at all, I love him for who he is and I love A for who she is, not any more because she shares my blood line, color skin, or long skinny toes.
You might have biological children and have questioned if it is possible to love a baby that did not grow inside of your womb or share the same physical attributes that you have, in my experience and so many other adoptive parents, the answer is YES! Because something happens when you open your heart up to adopting a child, your heart strings blend and bond with this little human-being.

My children came to me in two very different ways, I met one in a car-port on a sunny summer day, the other in a hospital room very early in the morning and both times... I fell in love.

So there you have it! :)
More to come....

Want to help Orphans?

2010-02-20T12:49:00.000-08:00

Not everyone is called to adopt. But Christians are called to "look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world" - James 1:27 If you have ever wanted to help an orphan but didn't know how here is one way to help... consider sponsoring a child. There are many wonderful organizations out there, but one that we personally know is very reputable is "Heart of the Bride". This is a local organization that has partnered with pastors and Christians in underprivileged countries like Guinea Bissau, Haiti, Kenya, Uganda, Ukraine, and Zambia. I have family members and friends that have gone on short-term mission trips and personally visited these children's home and the stories of how God is using this ministry is amazing! To find out more information you can go here http://www.heartofthebride.org/

We just started sponsoring a child there and are so excited to be helping out in this way. I love that we have the opportunity to do so and while it might not seem like a lot, it is investing in things eternal.

Approved to be a parent- Home Study

2010-02-12T12:27:00.001-08:00

Those of you who are more interested in the adoption process and want to know more about what a home study is, I tried to summarize what to expect as well as give our past experience and update you on how our progress is moving along.

For the past couple of weeks I've been trying to get our home study updated. This is the largest part of "leg-work" that an adoptive couple has to do in the adoption process. The purpose of the home study is for the state which you reside in and your adoption agency to see that you will be fit parents. A sentence on the paperwork that I have reads, "Almost anyone can have a baby, but not everyone can adopt." Whenever I first read this it really freaked me out... does that mean that they might not like us? What criteria do they use? What questions are they going to ask? Will I pass? So for all of you who think this process might be intimidating I will tell you at first, yes it was but in the end it was a really interesting and peaceful experience.

Prior to them visiting your home you will have lots of paperwork to fill out. Things like references, financial statements, copies of insurance policies, and yes, a complete physical with blood work and drug screens. You will also be fingerprinted and have an FBI local and nation-wide check done on you. It seems overwhelming and intrusive but these agencies want to make sure that they are placing these babies in a stable, safe and loving home environment. And in the end, its worth it!!

For the initial home study, someone will come into your home and check it out. The home study is two-fold. Check the physical space as well as you personal life. They are going to "inspect" your physical space and then basically ask you your life history :)

Me and my A type personality had the house sparkling from top to bottom, I had unnecessarily focused a lot on what the house looked like and made sure it was perfect, I made sure it was baby-proofed also. It was sort of humorus because in the end, that part was really minor compared to the "personal" part. All they really wanted to know about the house was how many rooms does it have? What does it look like? Is there space for a child to live? Where will the baby sleep? Is there a closet, window? Is it a safe dwelling? After we did this part I sort of breathed thinking okay, the worst is over, little did I know all of the questions I was about to be asked.

Next we sat down with the case-worker and they started out asking questions. At first they were general questions like, "where and when were you born, how many kids were in your family?... easy enough! Soon they evolved into, how was your relationship with your parents, were you an obedient child?("hmmmm") Did you ever rebel in high school? (double "hmmmm") How is your marriage, what do you fight about? How do you resolve conflict? Tell me about a recent argument you had.

I had not really prepared myself for this part so it was interesting sitting there telling a complete stranger my life history...the good, the bad, and the ugly. While somewhat intimidating, it was also an opportunity for me to reflect on my life. I was able to see how my past had helped make me who I was today and the questions opened up more dialogue between my husband and I. We were able to see more of each others' expectations for what parent-hood would be like Also, it was neat to be able to use that time to tell a stranger about my faith and views and how we would put the utmost importance of the Word of God into our children.

After this "interview" and everything comes back satisfactory, the caseworkers writes it all down and sends it off to be approved. You would then be declared "home study approved" and able to be shown to potential birth-mothers/ matched with waiting children.

The second time around we have just had to update our homestudy. We have not had to have the home visit but are getting the background check done again, papers notarized, another physical, references, and all the financial status documents. I have my little folder and its getting thicker and thicker which means things are getting accomplished! :) From the time that I send it in it should take about 3 weeks to get everything approved and then it will be time for writing grants! This will be my first go-around at grant writing so I'm interested to see how that process goes! More to come!!

Baby # 3

2010-01-31T13:53:00.000-08:00

I tried to come up with a catchy title to get your attention, and if you are wondering what exactly this means please read to find out! :)

Its the age old question for most women whenever their "baby" is about to have their first birthday. "Are you going to have another one?" While my answer to this has changed dramatically within the last 11 months I am now at peace to announce to the "world" what our future plans are. If you've read any of my posts then you might be getting the picture that I have a huge heart for children and for the past few months God has been working on us again about HIS plan for our lives.

I was quite comfortable with thinking that we were "done." We had our boy and girl experienced pregnancy and adoption the best of both worlds. I was comfortable and almost fearful that I shouldn't have anymore kids because I would be "pushing my luck". After all, the more kids you have the more you might be opening yourself up to possible hurt and pain. This is such a backwards way of thinking and I know that this thing is Fear... fear to me is what I can't control and what I can't have my hands in. Fear of my kids getting very sick, fear of something going tragically wrong the adoption... Anyways, God slowly began to uncurl my fingers from my children that I so tightly held onto and in my loving sister's words began to teach me to "hold them with open hands." They are God's children anyways and HE has given them to me for such a time as this.

So little by little I began to get those whispers about another baby. We started asking ourselves, when would be the best timing, how should we go about it (pregnancy or adoption) and over the past few months our hearts have groaned and ached once more for adoption.

I did not have a blog whenever we were going through the process of adopting our first and I really wish that I would have. My purpose of having the blog is to glorify God through it and I feel like it will be an outlet to help spread the hope of adoption and let others see that while it is a slow hard process...it is full of joy and love. I've discovered that no matter how you bring a baby into your family, whether by adoption or pregnancy, it is a hard, messy process. Pregnancy is full of the physical, emotional trials and joys while adoption is full of the financial and emotional trials and joys. Adoption is also called the "paper-work" pregnancy and boy is it! I knew that the second time around I wouldn't have as much paper-work but I think its basically just a few sheets less! :)

So here we are announcing that hopefully we will be adopting our third baby in the near future. Timing unlike pregnancy is very unknown. When you get pregnant you know that you at least have 9 months, the waiting is in the beginning. Adoption is the opposite, you have to do most of the legwork in the beginning. There is tons of paperwork, saving, interviews, finger-printing, etc. and then you wait, it could be a couple of weeks it could take many many months before a "match". I want this blog to serve as a practical "guide" to how the adoption process goes as well as give the personal side of what we go through.

So where are we in the journey right now? Well, logistically speaking, just the beginning. Emotionally, it already feels like there could be another little baby out there waiting to become apart of out family one day. I've heard the quote by another adoptive mom explaining to her son who was adopted that he was not born out of her tummy, but born out of her heart. So our hearts are ready and full of love for the next one that God is going to bring into our family.

Stay tuned.... :)

My dot /don't waste your life/extreme home-makeover life

2009-12-10T08:59:00.000-08:00

My dot/don't waste your life/extreme home-makeover life...
Do you ever have those moments in life where you think, Is my life making a difference? Is it counting for the cross? When I die, will I look back on my life and see that I used it fully for the glory of God? It is a shattering fear to me to think that I could possibly "waste" my life. I'm a vapor, a mist, a dot . That is how long my life is in light of eternity... a dot. What will I do with this dot?

Do you ever watch the show "Extreme Home-Makeover" and are shocked by what some of these people have done with their lives and despite the circumstances that surround them they still give all of themselves for others???

I'm reading the book "Don't waste your Life" by John Piper and I can only get through one page without having to stop, re-read it, and mark the page profusely finding gold nuggets of truth. It inspires me to live this life for the now, for such a time as this. Even as Christians I think that we can so easily become distracted with what a "good Christian life/walk" can mean. On the way home from a retreat this fall the Lord spoke to my heart about this "dot" of mine. I found that I could let it fall into three categories.

Category # 1- Life life only for Me

This would mean that I would throw everything to the wind, do what I wanted to do, spend my time, money, energy, love on things that are carnal and selfish. Things that will fade and disappear when I die. Spend my energy on "getting ahead" financially and physically.

-This dream seems obviously sinful and not a good option. Any Christian would know not to choose this life.

Category # 2- Live a good "full" life.

This would mean that while I wouldn't focus entirely on myself, I would still do the things that God tells me to do, go to church, be in church ministry, love my family, work hard, serve others (when it was convenient for me).Be comfortable, don't take risks, be "smart" with our money, raise our children, send them to college, become a grandparent, retire.

- While this category for me is "good" deep down in my heart I know that in the end, if this is what encompassed my "dot" for me, it wouldn't be enough. This is the easiest, safest choice.

Category # 3- Live life with the all encompassing focus on the cross and allow "my life and death to show the worth and wonder of Jesus" (John Piper)

To... "go all out" for Christ. But for ME how does that look?? What does that SPECIFICALLY mean for my life path? When I look back on my life and see that God put me on this earth for "such a time as this" what am I going to do for THIS time. I know that this "sold out for Christ" category will look different for everyone b/c God has a different plan and direction for everyone. But I think that God is beginning to reveal to Chris and I more about the part of His heart that He wants us specifically as a family to have and its for orphans.

So my (drumroll please) " complete dot/don't waste your life/extreme home-makeover life" would be opening my heart and home and adopting many many more children, making them apart of my family because that's what Christ did for me. Is it costly? YES! Will there be many tears? YES! Will it be opening myself up to possible pain and disappointment? YES!.... But will there be joy? YES! will there be peace? YES! and will God be glorified and my life not wasted, I pray, YES! YES! YES!

What about you? What would your complete dot/don't waste your life/extreme home-makeover life" look like?

"Can I live?"

2009-11-03T10:17:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I received an e-mail from David Bereit, director of "40 days for Life" stating that the director of Planned Parenthood in Texas " resigned her job, experienced a profound conversion, and joined the pro-life efforts". This news is so exciting to me and many others around! The woman quit after watching via ultrasound, an abortion being conducted. She also stated that she was pressured by her bosses to increase profits by signing more and more people up for abortions. While the thought of abortion being a "lucrative business" is astounding to me, then again why does it seem so surprising, after all "The love of money is the root of all evil." (I Tim 6:10) After hearing this, I turned the television on a few hours later only to hear The View's first "Hot Topic" of the day was about this very thing! One of the co-hosts described a situation where she was thinking about aborting her son. She was at the clinic and felt very pressured and rushed into having the abortion done. She was offered no education, no counseling, or alternatives to abortion. Thankfully, she left and chose life for that baby boy. When I heard that she was offered no other alternative, I was enraged. How could they!?! What about adoption???? Just this past month I have talked to three families that called wanting to know more about our adoption experience and wanted to adopt themselves. Websites are FULL of adoptive parents profiles waiting for a birth mother to pick them.. Arguments pinged back and forth between the ladies of The View about "over-population" and "its just easier that way" and so forth... my thoughts were interrupted from a little voice..."Mommy, book." I turned and there beside me stood my little boy staring at me with his big brown eyes in anticipation to read to him. I looked at my sweet little boy in that instant was reminded of his biological mother strength. I picked him up and squeezed him tight, "Thank you Lord, thank You for giving Justice's biological mother the strength to chose life for him.

Many times I think about what she might have felt whenever she learned she was pregnant. What was her first reaction, thought, feeling... was it fear? dread? pain? sorrow? Did she think, "How could I make this mistake?" Then I think about how amazing it is that in that instant when the world was crashing around her, my life was about to be blessed. Funny to me, around the month when she got pregnant that was when we began to start trying to start a family little did we know that Justice had just been conceived.

The news of the director quiting spurs me on... it spurs me on to not stop praying, for years groups stood outside her office praying for her to turn. It spurred me on to spread the word about the gift of adoption and the amazing blessing it brings to all. It spurs me on to encourage others to get outside of their comfort zone and do things that last for eternity.

~It spurs me on to make my life count since I have been blessed to have one.~

Below is a list of websites that talk more about "40 Days for life and its purpose" I've also included a video from rapper Nick Cannon... based upon his mother's choice to give him life.

http://http//www.youtube.com/watch?v=4AqPRcF7ZC0

http://http//40daysforlife.com/blog/?p=502

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,571215,00.html

Back again... growing into new territory.

2009-09-25T10:37:00.000-07:00

So I'm realizing that I haven't written on this blog in ages and want to get back at it! Now that my two little ones take a longer nap at the same time it allows for me to to have some "quiet time" of my own so maybe I will be better at posting more often. :) I've been doing lots and lots of reading and have many things that I would like to blog about on the adoption front but right now I have really had the burning desire to write more about what God is doing in my life right now.
I've always been a researcher, planner, and love to study. Through a very, very wise woman in my life (my mother! :) and her passion for reading through the Bible I have taken the Lords' will for us to know His Word and be a student of it to the next level. Boy I never knew that when I embarked on this journey what great rewards were in store. Thirsting for the Word of God is invigorating! I thirst for it, and am satisfied to some level but want more and more and more. I started just reading through the Bible chronologically and through that, I learned that there was so much, especiallyin the Old Testament, that I "knew " but didn't really "know." I decided that I wanted to study inductively the Old Testament chronologically. I had recently done some studies in the beginning books but around I Samuel was were things started to "mush" together. Through the help of Precept Studies I am now tregging through book by book, chapter by chapter, verse by verse, and I have to say, the rewards of this are amazing! It seems like a lot but it really isn't! I started thinking, THIS (studying God's Word) is something that has such eternal value. I found myself spending so much time researching other topics of interest, why was I not giving the same if not more attention to God's Word?? Its seems so simple. :) With this "plan" of mine, it will take a year and a half if I do everything on time. I'm so excited for all the God has in store for me as I embark on this new adventure in life. More to come....

Alternative Medicine... how it helped me

2009-05-05T09:51:00.000-07:00

It is a regular occurance that while I'm out in public I get the question about how I have two babies so close in age and of two different races. I proceed to tell them that we adopted and then got pregnant. "It always happens like that" is usually the response that I receive. While for many couples once they "give up" trying this can happen as the bodys' way of relaxing. But for us, I was actually already pregnant before we adopted Justice. So what happened? Well, ultimately, it was the powerful healing hand of God that opened my womb but I believe that it was through prayer, knowledge, and changing some habits in my life that God was able to heal me. I have always been one to stay away from meds. and try a more natural approach. I believe that God created the body to be able to heal itself. In many situations we just have to dig harder and deeper to find out the true problem of why our body is sick and not just mask the symptoms. I do believe that there is a time and place for medicine and doctors, but nine times out of ten we have more power to help heal than we know!
I began researching alternative methods for infertility and ran across chiropractic care. The theory behind it is that every function of the body is directly related to your spine. For example, remember the song.... "the head bones connected to the neck bone...etc" Well, your organs are connected to nerves, which are connected to your spinal cord which is connected to your brain. Whenever you are "out of alignment" it can pinch on your spinal cord/nerves wich dosen't allow them to deliever everything that your organs need, your organs don't function correctly because they aren't receiving from their source.... hence you become sick.
My "subluxations" were up at my neck and my lower back, when we looked at what organs those were controlling, low and behold they were all fertility/hormone spots. I began a very strict regimin of chiropractic care (3x a week for 10 weeks) along with a complete change in diet(organic, low glycemic index) as well as vitamins to replace the nutrients and boost areas that I was lacking in... within 1 month I actually had a normal cycle for the first time in YEARS! It took three months and by the third I was pregnant. Through this journey I have learned so much about food, diet, and the benifit of vitamins and herbs. I believe that as a Christian, it is my responsibility to care for this "tent" that God gave me and I am thankful for road I traveled to find health once again.

A look back (first written in June 08')

2009-04-04T19:46:00.000-07:00

Part I Babies…. Babies… Babies…. Ever from when I can remember, that was what I wanted. I was one of those “motherly” children, you know, the one carried a baby doll around every since she was little. The one that you saw in the grocery store and had to take a double-take because at first glance you thought why in the world would someone let a nine year old carry around an infant until you realized it was just a doll, The one who would actually get up ten minuets after she went to bed to give her own doll its “midnight feeding.” Obsessive? Maybe a little…But they weren’t dolls to me. They were something, someone for me to hold, care for, feed, and rock. It made me feel good to take care of these baby dolls. So I guess you could say I’m one of those people that say, “ Ever since I can remember, I wanted to be a mom.”

I’ve also always been the person who liked my ducks in a row. And when I mean a row, I want a row! My row didn’t just include the pre-meditated grocery list for the next month but the pre-meditated stops in life for the next twenty years. I knew the months I wanted to get pregnant, the years between each pregnancy, the doctors or midwives I wanted to use, and even the baby bedding! But somewhere back in my mind…. I knew… I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! Call it realist, pessimist, or just plain negative karma, I knew I would have problems in my attempt to make the ducks follow that row. But despite those ever-creeping thoughts, my drive to start a family pressed on and in June of 2007 we “tried.”

Trying for the first time was anything but romantic. I was nervous and in the back of both of our minds we couldn't’t get the thought out of our heads that just maybe, just maybe, 9 months later we would be laying in this same bed with our brand new baby.
Month one, came and gone, with two quickly behind it. “Its just the first time jitters.” No one gets pregnant the FIRST TIME! I thought. The first few months were fun though. We wanted to keep it a secret so we didn’t tell anyone. Deep down I wanted to tell everyone that passed by me, “we are trying for a baby.”
Month two passed… the little ungodly negative signs continued to rear their horrible faces at me. And talk about taking stock out in something… those little pee- sticks are expensive! In those attempts at “trying” I realized that the mind is a tricky little thing. The evidence was plain as day “NOT PREGNANT!” but still, there was a little voice saying, “maybe you took it too early, maybe your hormones aren't strong enough, maybe it’s a defective test, maybe you have that thing where you don’t know you are pregnant and you end up on the show I didn’t know I was pregnant 9 months later with a crazy story… but nevertheless, a baby in hand. However, the evidence of my empty womb would always confirm itself on those glorious days when Aunt Flo would come to my house and visit. You see, I had what they suspected was endometriosis, so every 30, 40, 50, 60 days (who knew when, I was so irregular ) the claws in my stomach came out. I’ve heard it described as having a baby… I wouldn’t have known, I had never had a baby! But the pain was severe enough to knock me down or at least make me knock on the door of the OB.
Blood test after blood test,(I was surprised I had anything left,) we found a few little “problems” with my ever- so endearing hormones. Not enough Progesterone. So… first round of fertility treatment, here we go…
In the meantime, let me take a brief side-bar to update you on other drama in my life that was taking place at the exact same time. In August (two months after we TTC- “trying to conceive” for those of you who haven’t found the blogs yet!) I had actually started thinking about adoption. Again, my pessimistic ways + “ducks in a row” syndrome led me to make sure I had a plan B. Funny how God works things out in our brain! Anyways, through a series of phone calls, someone actually called us and asked if we would be interested in being relative care-givers for a baby that would be born in the next couple of months. I thought, yeah! If God opens these doors… we will def. walk through them. It seemed like everything was in place. I had a part time job that was flexible enough to where I could work and still have a baby. After we said “yes” we found out about a series of things we had to do in order to keep this mystery baby. MAPP classes. MAPP classes are “parenting” classes that help people who are going to do foster care and or adopt. Wait…. Foster care!?!? This was most DEFINITELY not in my life plan nor my “bucket list.” But before I knew it, we were on a path and would make my ducks scatter all over God’s green earth.

Madison

I was on my way to visit a friend when I got a phone call. I can still remember the exact spot on the highway that I was, yielding onto another road. Funny as I write this, I realize that that was exactly where we were going… yielding to another plan. It was the DCF. We have a baby girl, 5 weeks old, African-American who needs a home. It could go all the way, she could be adoptable.
“Adoptable” as if she wasn’t on the market yet, we would pour our time, energy, soul, and heart into this little living breathing human being in hopes that one day she would be ours. Like a woman finding out she was pregnant, my heart instantly melted for this little one and we said yes… if God opens the doors, we will walk through them.
I’ll never forget the first time that I saw her. She was literally dropped off at our house. The five week old 8 pound baby was in a cream onezie, no socks, hair a mess and sleeping away. Once again, I’ll say its amazing what the mind and soul can do together. In one accord, they will attach their heartstrings to an infant stranger and make you do anything to protect this little one. We took her into our home that night, not realizing the tough road ahead.
The beginning was the hardest with her. Not because I didn’t have experience with babies ( I used to get up with my dolls at midnight remember!) but because deep down in my heart I was mad. I was mad that I could pour my life into this little beating soul and receive only a thank-you and a goodbye. Funny though that out of life’s greatest trials, come life’s greatest lessons learned, this was the lesson that people refer to as “it was the hardest thing in life, but I would do it all over again.” Every day I woke up wondering if it would be my last with her. Instead of worrying about how much time I had to clean, do laundry, or cook. I cherished every second with her. I would just lay there next to her and stare at her, watch her breathe and love every “stage” that I got to witness. She had the most beautiful personality and I loved her with all of my heart. She had different color skin, different color eyes, different textured hair, but I had a bond with that baby that is as strong as it is today as it was the day was temporarily “ours”.
Five months went by and in those months I can truly say that I understand what it is like to have the best days or you life and the worst in the exact some moment. Still I knew, God, I’ll walk through this door if you continue to open it.
The day she went back to her biological father I decided in my heart that God knew this would happen; He still allowed me to go through it and would give me the strength to finish it out.
I can’t even begin to describe the pain of dropping off someone you love to a perfect stranger and knowing you will never see them ever again. She didn’t understand what was going on. She trusted me, and it was so hard to look at her and know that was the last time I would ever look at her. I handed her over to the case-worker, got in my car, turned on my worship music and cried.
I had decided earlier that day that I would allow myself to cry in the car on the way home, but that was it. I wanted to be strong, others saw me as strong and probably think that I handled it with grace and dignity, but only I know the deep, deep agony that my heart felt and will continue to feel.
Still, I would do it all over again, all over again to hear the laughs, see the smiles, and to see her grow. I gave her foundation, I gave her a start, she was not meant to be mine in body forever, but she will be mine in soul as long as I live.
After that experience we decided that fostering was’t for us. We hold a deep admiration and appreciation for the people who do it full-time. It is a ministry, a very deep and real need. Madison did not hold many chapters in our book, she just held one, one that lasted five sweet months. It is a chapter that will be so dear to me and that I’m glad was written.

Collier

In the meantime, we had put our fertility venture on hold. We had begun the preliminary treatments with no success, just several concerned phone calls to the OB which ended in… you can either go to the next treatment option or quit. I had decided that the fastest, easiest way to get a baby was just to adopt…. Ha, ha, ha… boy was I in for it!! So, we decided to attempt domestic adoption. We already had all the classes from the foster care situation and just needed a home study. JUST….. for those of you who don’t know, adoption is called the “paper-work” pregnancy. And I have realized over the course of trying to bring a baby into our family that there is no easy way. So for all of you who got pregnant the first time, thank God and count your blessings!  With adoption, they want to know EVERYTHING about you. They want to make sure that you are physically, financially, spiritually, and mentally stable. Although, what they don’t realize is that most likely at the beginning of the adoption process you were all these things, but by the end of this roller coaster event they call adoption you would probably fail if they re-evaluated you! So… we found an agency, walked in, paid our dues and waited…. In my mind I was in it for the long haul. I thought 6-12 months…. Three weeks later we received a phone call. African-American baby, don’t know the sex, due January 9th. We were elated! It was sooo fast! We couldn’t believe it. This wasn’t how I had planned out my ducks, but from prior experience I was realizing that most of my ducks were so far scattered that I didn’t even care anymore.
You know those days that go down in your brain file as “history”? January 11th was one of those days. I was planning to get up the next morning and wait for the phone call that the birth mother had gone into labor, but the phone call came earlier than expected. I had just gotten in bed and the phone rang… (that dang phone has brought on a lot of emotions!) it was the attorney, they baby had been born that morning and was in a NICU. He had a heart condition and it was serious. Everything within me screamed, “GOD, NO!!!!!!!!!” This has to be a dream. I have to be dreaming. Please wake me up!
But it wasn’t a dream, they didn’t know what was happening to the baby and to make matters more confusing, the mom didn’t know if she really wanted to place him or not.
We prayed and prayed, didn’t have a peace, called the attorney and our dream of a family ended for the second time that month.

The next months were months of renewal for me, soul searching, digging deep to find some answers. In the Christian world, they say lot of times that God makes your weaknesses stronger by certain tribulations. Well, in my case, the things I was most strong in, were the things tested to their max. I had always been one to believe in a Sovereign God. Nothing was a mistake. As long as I was obeying the Word, God would make everything work out. Although after the infertility, foster care, and failed adoption my absolute surrender to the sovereignty of God began to waver. Why would a good God allow us to go through this? Why would He make us loose all that money? Why would he allow me, someone who wants this SO BAD, have such a hard time? Is it because He know that I would stick with it? Is it because He wants me to be stronger? WHY!!?!?! Why the wait? Why the pain? Why the heartache?
A pastor of mine told me once that you can’t see the end of the forest when you are in the middle of the trees. As I’m writing this, I still ask these questions because none of them have been answered yet. I don’t have my happy ending. I sit and read the verse “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Make my paths straight…. But I do hope that the next time I write I will.

Justice
Its been 4 months since I’ve opened this writing. In those four months, my previous statements almost seem positively eerie as I look back. “Make my paths straight… I guess that’s the best way to have it, to have God put your ducks in a row. That way, you know they will stay in that row! In the middle of June we received an e-mail. Baby boy, due to be born July. Even despite all the previous pain, thousands of dollars lost, and constant reality that “she could change her mind” and it would happen all over again, we said yes. It was a deep “yes.” It was not made out of desperation, but a calm deepness that I knew we were supposed to say yes. I wanted too with everything that was within me so I just had to put my fears aside one last time.
This time I wasn’t going to hold back, I decided to paint the room, get it ready, for our little baby boy. I didn’t get to prepare the same way a pregnant woman has 9 months to prepare and I wanted the anticipation of walking into the nursery not being able to wait until that precious little bundle occupied the soft crib sheets.
We went to Wal-Mart to get paint and some baby supplies, we had two weeks before he was due. I can still remember being in the paint isle and the thought ran across my mind, “ I still haven’t started.” But what was new?!?!? Just last week I had taken a test and it was negative. Why can’t I just have a normal period I thought to myself? I jokingly said to my husband “oh… what the heck…lets waste another ten bucks and get a pregnancy test, I still haven’t started.” I remember looking at the tests and picking the cheapest one because I knew that I was just blowing my money, but just in case, on the off chance, I didn’t want to be around pain fumes!
We went home that night opened the blue baby boy items we got and smiled inside hoping in the deepest parts of our gut that this little baby boy would come home with us in two weeks. We moved all the baby furniture around, put the plastic down and decided to stop and eat some dinner before we started our project. I remembered about the test, reluctantly took it out and tried. One line…. I shook my head and chuckled at myself, its amazing how one ounce of hope can stretch so far and make you try over and over again just hoping that it would be positive. I laid the test on the floor and walked out. “Well…. after we eat we can paint, I’m not pregnant!” I told my husband. We sat down to eat and all of the sudden I felt sick to my stomach, I blamed it on the non-“organicness” of the soup and went back into the bathroom. The test caught my eye and I picked it up to throw it away. But the test looked different this time…two lines. Hmmm…. I got the box out, checked, because maybe two lines meant negative (there are so many different tests I was bound to get them mixed up!). The instructions read…”two lines = pregnant”.
The image of that test will be forever engraved in my memory…. You know the moment when it “clicks.” I walked out with of the bathroom with the test in hand and confusingly said to my husband… “ um, I’m pregnant.” my husband looked at me like I was crazy. “ Don’t mess around with me Kelly.” He stated. “I’m not joking about this my husband, there are two lines on this test.” At this moment I was laughing because it was just too coincidental....indeed, I was pregnant just barely, but pregnant. I couldn't believe it, I was in complete shock that I didn't even think about cutsie little ways to tell my parents and others, I just picked up the phone and said... "uh, I'm pregnant." Funny thing when I look back, I never once thought that we should call the attorneys and cancel the adoption. In my mind, that baby was ours and so was the one I was carrying, the timing....was God. So in less then twenty-four hours, we went from a family of two to a family of four. I can't help but think back to the story of the Egyptians and Moses, time and time again God told Moses to tell Pharaoh to let His people go, God kept hardening Pharaoh's heart and each time God said...He was doing this so Moses and all of the generations would "know that I am the Lord." I can't help but think that this is God's ways of telling me... "I am the Lord, I planned it this way" You see, because of the "infertility" we sought so hard after adoption, God wanted little Justice in our family, He knew the right timing, and I truely believe that He waiting in opening my womb until we said yes to Justice.
As I write this I can hear the baby monitors' white noise as Justice sleeps away in his crib, I look over in the bassinet at my little girl that is also sleeping soundly... and I think what a good God...coincidence? No, just the working of a sovereign God.

Welcome

2009-04-04T18:38:00.000-07:00

I never saw myself as the "blogging" type, but after reading a few of my friends' blogs and receiving so much hope from them, I wished that I would have started a long time ago. Particularly I wish I would have blogged just to record the events in my life and encourage others who find themselves traveling on some of the same paths that I traveled. Since it would take pages and pages to give a detailed account of the past couple of years of my life and catch you up, I decided to post one large piece which is something that I wrote a in the midst of our fertility/adoption journeys. I didn't know why I was writing it or what I would use it for when I wrote it but I think that for me, it became an outlet to understand all that was going on...it is very raw, and somewhat sarcastic, but as I look back I see a very particular plan that was in mind the whole time. A plan that would be better than anything that I could have imagined.