What I wish I would have known...

This is WAY over-due but I wanted to finish all that I learned from the Together for Adoption Conference. As I said in an earlier post, this conference was so amazing because it really spoke to me in many different areas in my life. It spoke in my personal adoption from Christ, the ministry that I work with, any future adoptions that we will have, and most importantly, our adoption of J. If you are considering adoption, have adopted, or know of someone who has this post is for you! I know that we all have different ways of parenting, belief systems, and expectations but let me just say when you are an adoptive parent it is a WHOLE different ball game. Let me back up and tell you a little bit of our story....

We wanted a family...BAD... I was so ready to be a mom, all of my friends were having their first babies and I couldn't believe that I was still childless. I had so much experience- babysitting, nannying...I had a degree in Elementary Education for goodness sakes! I thought I was ready... I knew it all. Little did I know. :)
When we decided to adopt I read a lot about agencies and tried to find what would be the best pick for us. We read some books, not many but I just kept thinking...I'm just going to parent this baby like it was my own, what do else do I need to know!?! I look back now and think wow, if I only knew what I knew now. If I had only tried to glean some wisdom. If I only had someone to come alongside of me, if I had only gone to these conferences before and learned more about how to parent this child that GOD had given me...this ADOPTED child. Don't get me wrong, I love J the same that I love A and I see him as my natural born child but just because I love him as he is my own does not mean that I need to parent him like he came from my womb. I know this all might sound strange so let me back up some more and this is way cool so just hang on! :)

Karyn Puvis Ph.D was an incredible speaker at the T4A conference, she is the director of the Texas Childrens University Institute of Child Development and holds Adoption Project Hope Camps. She told story after story of how she was called upon to help "difficult" children. Many of these children were in overseas orphanages, some even jail and yes some adopted from birth. Karyn had us all in tears as she spoke about the power of God's healing in these children's life and it came from the most simple things...love, bond, attachment, eye contact, touch, proper boundaries. I kept thinking wow, this is all so great but doesn't really apply to us... J was adopted at birth, we brought him home right from the hospital... he isn't from "a hard place"....as I continued to listen to the session, my eyes began to fill with tears as I realized how terribly wrong I was.

The way God designed it... a mother is pregnant for nine months and in those nine months that baby begins to bond, attach. We know that they can hear the mother's voice, they can recognize it even in the womb. Most of the time the mother carefully cares for herself during pregnancy, she watches what she eats, she is happy that she is pregnant. Then the baby is born, the mother holds the baby, has skin to skin contact, feeds every two hours. Studies and research have been done showing that babies need "sensory bath" aka....feeding, cooing, talking, holding every two hours and interestingly enough most breastfed babies eat every two hours! ;) Isn't our Creator cool!? During the time that the baby feeds the part of the brain that is responsible for attachment and bonding grows, develops, and begins to build laying the foundation for life a foundation that without it, other foundations WILL NOT be built or they will be built on a rocky ground. The baby cries- the parent responds, this is attachment, its not a whining baby trying to be bad but needing something and when the parents responds it builds trust. The child continues to grow and as each new stage in life he or she comes to, the parent is there guiding, helping, directing, loving.

So what happens with an adopted child...well, depending on the age will depend on how much "catch-up" time the parent has to do. For an infant adopted right from the hospital, we can't assume that they are completely okay. We don't know how the mother took care of herself during pregnancy. Studies show that stress, drugs, alcohol all play a negative part on a developing babies' brain, something that can be helped but already that adopted baby is coming from a "harder place." Then comes birth.... and this little baby has suffered loss. A deep and profound loss. Their life began with loss, and as much as I wanted to deny that and tell myself that J was completely perfect, in order for me to be the best parent for him I needed to acknowledge the fact that he suffered a loss- he lost his mother. And it still makes me cry to think about that but its true, the person that sustained his life for the first 9 months was gone and I would be kidding myself if I tried to forget that. There will come a day that J will mourn for her, its only natural. I've read that some adoptive babies even mourn right after birth. Karyn even told us that they have been able to see the "flight or fight" receptors in adoptive babies brains already functioning so early because they know that something has changed.

As I listened to Karyn, tears streaming down my face I finally realized that J did come from a hard place, he didn't have to endure an orphanage or be neglected but his beginning started with loss. But the best part of the story is that doesn't end there.... he also gained.

So what can an adoptive parent to? Well, for starters we have to "catch- up" on what was lost. Put down your theories about cry it out methods and spoiling a baby. These babies NEED the extra love, holding, bonding, attaching, feeding, responding to their cries quickly and immediately. They have to learn to now put their trust in you- they don't know you, they have no history with you and the only history that they do have is the last person left them, I know this sounds harsh but we have to be equipped. These are the things that I wish I knew when we first adopted and things that I and MANY MANY other adoptive parents who have realized these things recommend. I WAS in theory more of a "cry-it out" kind person but thankfully I was so sick from being pregnant that J and I laid around the house all day, I held him LOTS and didn't pass him around from person to person. Chris and I were pretty much the only people that fed him, he slept in a pack-n- play next to our bed. Like I said in the beginning, you cannot parent this baby like a baby that you carried in your womb because you didn't and this new baby needs to build trust with you. So basically, think about trying to "re-create" 9 months of bonding, hold, lots of eye contact, talking, limiting the amount of people who hold the baby in the early weeks.

So J did suffer loss but he also gained... he gained two loving parents, two amazing sets of grandparents, a host of wonderful aunts, uncles, cousins and a baby sister. I pray that he also one day gains Christ as his Lord and Savior.

And as we continue to lead, disciple, love, and nurture our son it will be important for me to acknowledge that he is adopted, to be able to talk openly with him about that, and to shed a positive light on what adoption is both physically and spiritually. I pray that God will give me the grace, wisdom, and strength to do this because after all, J is really His to begin with. ;)

Thanks for reading,
Kelly